The Hunger Games: Retold

Chapter 3

I sit in the waiting room. The deep velvet couch is slightly threadbare and the carpets show wear as well. The beautiful woodwork glows with warmth though and I run my hands over its smooth surface repeatedly. I'm bracing for the next hour, the time when the tributes say their good-byes. I can't think how to tell my family, my friends, what they mean to me. How to let them know how precious they are to me. What do you say to someone when you know you'll never see them again?

My parents come in with my brothers. Jasper walks straight to me and pulls me into a hug, arms tight around my chest and my face buried in his shoulder. He doesn't say anything, but his unwillingness to let me go brings tears to my eyes. I hug him back, trying to will him to know all the things I can't bring myself to say.

"Jasper," I whisper.

He makes a strangled noise and lets go, retreating to a corner chair and falling into it. Uri comes next, shamefaced but with a firm handshake. I knock his hand aside and pull him into a hug. I look into his eyes and tell him as firmly as I can, "Stop this. You need to be here for mom. For dad. For the bakery. No one expects anything you aren't already giving. I love you, Uri."

His gray eyes meet mine and I am ashamed to wonder for minute about his thinking. Is he really beating himself up for not volunteering to take my place? Or is he ashamed he secretly felt pleased not to have me around anymore? He's always been bitter about my friends and successes. He complains he's been overshadowed by his little brother, that he hasn't been given his chance to shine. I hate myself for thinking this. He's my brother and I've only ever loved him, I won't stop now. He moves away to stand by Jasper who puts a hand on his arm and gives a squeeze.

My mother is in front of me, searching my face with her keen gray eyes. I'm struck by how old she looks. She has always just been my mom, I've loved her without question. But now I see how tired she is, how she has been worn down by the life she leads. When we were little, and she thought we couldn't hear, she would fight desperately with my father. He would plead with her that he loved her, only her, and that his family was all that mattered to him. But she would spit back at him that he wished he had married "her" and he was going to abandon them all. She was unreachable and drove herself nearly insane with insecurity. In these later years, she took her misery out on us and would weep that we didn't love her, that we would rather have a different mother. I could only feel sorry for her, her pain made me love her more. Now, looking into her eyes, I can see her desperation forming into spiteful words. She can't cope and lashes out instead.

"Well," she sniffs. "District 12 may finally have a victor. She's a survivor, that one." I nod and try not to let her words sting. She kisses my cheek and squeezes my hand, adding, "Try not to get in her way. If she comes home a winner it will go well for all of us."

I look at my father. He knows what I'm thinking and wraps his arms around me. I can't bear it, I feel myself break open inside and I sob into his chest. I don't know how to leave all of them, how to know the emptiness they will go home to. How to think about the pain and emptiness they will try to fill and how they will try to fill it. Jasper will retreat to his work, cut himself off from feeling. My mother will become even more sharp and strident. I hope Uri won't dip more deeply into the shadowy world of morphling he's been toying with. His escapism could ruin them all. And what of my father? He's already borne so much. He suffers so quietly and I've been the only one he can speak it to. Will he be able to bear this burden as well? He strokes the back of my head while I try to pull myself back together. It can't help him to see me like this. I take a deep breath and smile up at him. We embrace one more time, and then they are gone.

In a moment, the door opens again. I'm surprised to see Madge, her blue eyes sparking with determination. She crosses to me and grabs me in a fierce hug before whispering, "Make them pay for this. Make them know what they've done."