Impossible Love

Chapter 10- My dream

My dream was scary. Not the horror story type scary but it scared me. It went deep, it was all about my family. Surprising? Not really. It brought up the past. When I used to look up to Melissa, when I used to want to be her. But the clue is in the word 'used'. She wasn't that same girl, she wasn't my sister anymore. My mother always told me to be myself and now she wants me to be Melissa. She contradicts herself and I'm so tired of it. It reminded me of how I got bullied when I was a child. How I was scared to wake up and go to school incase something happened. If you think about it, it's not that much different from now, except my mother is the bully.

It was deeper than that though, I can't really describe it but it was horrific. It was about me not being born and how my family were happy. Do you know how much that hurts? How much I don't want to be born and how better off my family would be? No of course you don't, because you're not me. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the heart, it hurts, it hurts so much. Just imagining their faces, their happy faces, without me, is that what it would really be like? Because tell me now if you think that that's not the truth and I will try and believe it. I will try so hard, but deep down, everyone knows That i'm the outcast.

Then, I was awoken by the smell of bacon being cooked. Thank god! Hmmmm. My mouth was watering just thinking about it. I haven't eaten in like 2 days, I'm seriously starving. My stomach feels like it's full of cramps and is about to shrivel up. I need to eat.

I get up and wonder down stairs to my kitchen. Mother was standing there all pleased with herself that she'd managed to cook a bacon sandwich. And the mother of the year award goes to hers truly.

"Please may I have some? I'm starving!" I am seriously hungry and I think that if I don't eat soon, then I might just pass out.

"No! I've told you, you shouldn't eat so much! You're getting fat!" She hissed at me. Wow, this woman is unbelievable.

"But I haven't eaten in 2 days." I am literally begging her. I will get down on my knees if I have to.

"No fatty! Go for a run!" Oh uhm. I don't really know what to say. She's telling me to starve myself. Well fine! Have it her way.

"Love you too mum" I say sarcastically as I exit the room.

I don't even know why I listen to her, I mean I want to say something back but I feel as it I am physically Incapable of doing so. But I'm so hungry. This pain is unbearable.

I head back up to my room and find a packet if salt and vinegar crisps, my favourite! I munch them down like there is no tomorrow. But then I feel regret. Regret of eating and all those calories that I've just taken in. I start to feel sick and paranoid. I don't know what is happening to me but I feel my legs taking me to the bathroom. No. I won't do this! I won't!

But before I knew it, I found myself bending over the toilet, sticking my fingers down my throat. Why zoey? Why? I don't even know what's become of me. I'm not this girl, this isn't me.

I couldn't stop myself. I am so obsessed with impressing everyone and I guess my mother just got the better of me. I don't normally acknowledge what she says but she knows that my weight has alway been a touchy subject with me and for her to use it against me like that just gets to me. I shouldn't allow it I know, but I do and I just did. Once again, my mother has put me down. I mean I have never been 'big' or 'small' and most girls admire my figure but I guess my mother doesn't like the way I look. She just knocks every bit of confidence out of me. So in theory, it's her fault I don't wear the dresses or heals she buys me, I'm just not comfortable in things like that.

At this point in time, I am so ashamed of what I did. I don't even want to think about it. I need to get out of here, but first I need a nice refreshing shower. Yes, a shower is what I need. You know, one if those showers where you cry so no one can see your tear stained cheeks. One where you play music while your in it just so no one can hear your screams. Yes I am in desperate need of one of those showers.

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Again, there is no personal definition of fat, it just needs to be in the story later. Please don't take offence from anything in this story and remember that you should be happy with who you are.

Also, thankyou for reading this:) I know I say that every chapter but it honestly means a lot that you are taking the time out of your day to read this!

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