Fractured Thoughts

The Flowers

I lay on the hill surrounded by the flowers. People come and go on their daily routines whether they are taking their kids to the play structure down the path or using the artificially thrown together green space as a shortcut to get to work. But i, i am here out of routine because today i woke up and i didn't want to die.

I peer up to the trees, slowly blooming flowers and leaves, not yet full enough to block out the warm afternoon sun that burns my eyes leading me to close them and take in the smells. The park smells of lilacs and freshly cut grass, it reminds me of home. Before i got kicked out i used to spend lots of time in the backyard with my family. On Saturdays like today i would sit on the deck next to the lilac bush that my mother insisted on building the deck around because of how pretty it was, i would go play soccer with my little brother but he would always tackle me to the ground, though tiny, Tom was good at that kind of thing. I can't help but miss them, i suppose my mental state was too much for them to handle though.

I open my brown eyes again and move my hands under my head for support. The slight breeze makes me wish i would've worn more than just this tank top and shorts, but i suppose it is not too cold for me to enjoy the breeze a bit. It is really quite the nice day out if you think about it late March and i am already able to wear shorts. I guess i can thank the early spring for the temperature. Its almost nice enough right here that i can tune out the people on the path

"what is that girl doing?"

"Is she okay? Maybe we can see what is wrong"

"No, she is covered in scars. Teenagers like that will stab you if you aren't careful"

Ah yes. Be careful around me for i hurt all that i touch. Not a lie, and i must be crazy too because in thinking it i can feel a smile form on my face. Insane is what i am. But don't worry about that, for i will be fine. As today is the first day in six years i haven't wanted to die. Quite funny too, 22 years of age and i am still wake up nearly every single morning and pull myself out of bed before painting a smile on my face to go to work before coming home to my tiny apartment and hate my life. Pathetic if you think hard enough. Many other girls my age are getting married and having children, starting their lives as free adults. Yet i am laying here surrounded by the flowers pondering about life.

One day, that is always what i tell myself. One day i will be okay. One day i will be happy. I'll have a family again, I'll have a home. But one day is a bit far away. Tomorrow i will wake up again wishing to off myself, I'll pull on my uniform and drag myself to work for another day of smiling and pretending to be fine. I guess that is what happens when you work in retail for a living. Pathetic if you ask me. But i have a good life right here, surrounded by the flowers.

The flowers remind me a lot about myself, beautiful. They tend to make people happy though people don't treat them well. You see it all the time when you are walking to this spot, flowers discarded on the path by people who picked them then lost interest. You also see little kids running through the fields, not paying attention as they trample the poor things. Some will grow back where as others give up, a lot like people i suppose. All my life i have wanted to give up, to let go, but something always kept me going. Now for the first time in years i don't want to give up, surrounded by the flowers.

I sit up and brush my pale hands through my hair before i bring myself to a standing position, i pick up my backpack and sling it over my shoulders as i make my way back to my tiny apartment. As i go the beautiful smell fades and is replaced by the stench of gasoline and dirt. I suppose this is my home now. I begin walking up the stairs making sure to greet Maryann as i pass her in the hallway. Slowly i unlock my door and walk into the small room that is supposed to be my living room and kitchen, i take a deep breath and the smell of the flowers makes me smile.

I walk to the sink and place my bag down before going through it. I find the small pouch of lilac seeds that i bought at the store earlier that morning. I take the small pot of soil that i had prepped a few days ago and shake some seeds into the small hole before gently covering it and watering the covered seeds. I place the small plant on my window sill next to the other newly sprouted saplings and proceed to water the rest. Taking one new look around my apartment i feel happy with the life admitting from every surface. I feel a smile appear on my face. All because i am surrounded by the flowers.