Journey: Jenna & Julien

Rushing Emotions

Jenna:
   The rest of the night with Gabs and Jason, I was just off. We played Cranium for a while, but somehow the conversation returned to Gabs' pregnancy. Then we played Heads Up, and again, we circled back to their baby.
   I was happy for them, no doubt, but I just couldn't push aside my jealously. Julien had pulled me aside and asked me if I was alright and I had simply told him that I was fine.
   But now it's 4 am and Gabs and Jason are in our guest room asleep and Julien lying next to me, also asleep, and I can't shake my worries.
   "Juli?" I whisper shyly.
   Still asleep, Julien's arm moves in response.
   "Juli." I repeat, slightly louder, "I need you, Juli."
   With that I see Julien open his eyes.
   "Is everything ok, Ot?" He asks, rubbing under his eye.
   "No." I whimper.
   "What's wrong, Otter?" He puts his arm around me and sighs.
   "Well you remember how earlier you asked me if I was ok? And I said I was fine, but I'm not fine. I know it's stupid to feel like this but I'm jealous. Of Gabs. I know I should be happy for her and not be so selfish and whatever, but I just can't. That baby should be ours. We should have a baby. And I know that I'm being dramatic and lots of people don't get pregnant on their first time. But it's just the wrong time, I guess. I don't know. I don't know." I pour out every emotion and thought I've been keeping in and let it rush like a river.
   "Jenna.." Julien says compassionately, not knowing what to tell me, "I'm sorry you feel this way. I know it hurts and I know it feels like a direct insult towards you. But it's not, babe."
   I let out a sob.
   "I know, it's ok." He soothes me, rubbing my shoulder with his thumb, and we both drift to sleep. I got it off my chest and that's what I needed.

Julien:
(a month later)
   Life has been pretty normal. The same old routine. Which isn't bad. It's also not good. It's just ... fine.
   But today will not just be fine. Today Jenna's taking another pregnancy test. Both trying not to get our hopes up, we awkwardly slip into the bathroom.
   "If I'm not, it's ok." Jenna says.
   "Right. If you're not, it's ok." I repeat.
   Our voices echo in my mind as she pees on the test. If she's not, it's ok.
   With our hopes low, we watch the timer. When it says we can look, I grab the test and squat next to her so we can both see it.
   'Not Pregnant'. Again. Even though my hopes were low, I can feel my excitement - the same excitement that I tried to tame - rush out of me. Not Pregnant.