don't let me get me

prologue

Dylan wasn't entire sure when he started to feel so... sad.

He felt sad when he lost game four of the OHL finals to Oshawa in overtime. He felt sad when when they lost the championship game by four goals, and when he saw Connor crying alone about it. He felt a little more sad when he thought about how he said he would never love Kara more than Mitch when Kara had been sleeping with Mitch behind his back.

He was sad when he saw Connor walk on stage, knowing his best friend in the entire world would be in Edmonton. He felt sad when Jack Eichel went second and he didn't. And although third overall was amazing, he still wasn't feeling as happy as he should have.

While he was at Arizona's development camp, he wasn't exactly the happiest guy. He was lonely, and just wanted to focus... but being so focused on focusing fucked him up, and that's why he was sent back to Erie. That replayed in his head a lot.

You weren't good enough, Dyl.

That was his favourite thing to tell himself.

He forgot about that for a bit when he got back to Erie. But not having Connor with him was hard. He felt overwhelmed when he was given the captaincy. He would never be the captain, or the player, that Connor was, no one could ever be like Connor.

He played his heart out, and didn't feel sad too often, just when people compared him to Connor. He was starting to get used to it. He didn't feel sad again until Mitch spilled the beans about Kara while they were in Finland. That broke Dylan. The girl he loved more than anything, wasn't who he thought she was at all. But losing World Juniors made him saddest of all. And this was a bad sad.

Dylan had been sad over hockey a lot in his life, but this burned. Dylan felt like his heart had been ripped out. He let his country down. He had never felt more shame in his entire life. While they stood and listened to the other team's anthem, he cried his eyes out. He started to feel anxious, realizing everyone in the world could see him being vulnerable. He needed off the ice and back home before he lost it.

Mitch was unbelievably helpful when Dylan got to the change room and started to have a panic attack. Travis Dermott knew how to help as well, seeing Dylan have the occasional one in Erie. Mitch just talked to Dylan calmly while Travis ran around, getting anything Mitch asked him to get to help. And to think, Dylan thought he loved some girl more than Mitch.

The sadness stuck around after that. It was the cause of everything bad that followed after that. When he attacked Allison on her birthday, it was his outlet. He couldn't cry at the bar, so he yelled at Allison. The night he fought Mitch, he cried himself to sleep for even doing that to Mitch. And the night Kara kicked him out of her room when they ended things, that was a sad night for him.

Thinking she was the problem, Dylan tried to cut ties with her. But he still didn't feel alright. He wasn't lonely, or missing her, he was just sad. That's when he started to get worried. He kept it to himself. No one wants to hear about the sad, third overall draft pick. No one wanted to hear about Dylan's life at all. He had come to terms with that and put on his brave front. That's all he could do.

But he had one question...

When was it more than just "being sad"?