Through the Darkness || Finn&Rey

Chapter 34

With each step I take it becomes harder not to walk back down and apologise to her, but what good would that do? It won't take back what I did. I keep walking even when I feel my heart ache, it is as if we are connected and the tether is stretching so tightly that I fear it may rip my heart out of my ribcage. I hang my head as I make my way out of the infirmary and down the corridors.

"Where is Poe Dameron?" I call into the full dining hall, silence falls and I feel all eyes turn to me. The pilots and resistance members look up from their lunches and give me strained, shocked glances, and I notice I am still only wearing my bed shorts and no shirt.
I hear a small whir at my feet, I'd know his little sounds anywhere, I look down and BB-8 beeps at me. Although I am still unable to understand him his small head rolling to the exit is enough for me to figure out what he is saying. He leads me out as murmurs erupt behind me.
He rolls around base, through the corridors until we exit the base and walk out onto the tarmac; he picks up speed, and Poe's acute senses tuned to acknowledge his best companion causes him to exit the cockpit of his X-wing before either of us make a sound.

"Finn..." He seems confused as he steps down the ladder in full resistance pilot gear. I walk up to him, trying my best to cover my bare upper body with my arms.

"Poe, I'm sorry," I begin but he extends his arm and grips my left shoulder - like he always does - his touch soothes me and I sigh as the guilt I knew would come sets in.

"Don't, it's okay." He gives me a look of understanding, "I think we better get you cleaned up. Isn't that right BB-8?" He looks down at his droid who beeps once affirmatively. Poe leads me back through the barracks and BB-8 scurries off to join his friends.

We approach the room I'd shared with Rey the night before. My bag remains near the door, unzipped and Poe's jacket half falling out. I halt in the open doorway staring at it, I think I remember rummaging through it to retrieve... my blaster – it lies near the restroom door. My lips part as I remember Rey standing there, my arm outstretched pointing the weapon at her. I walk into the room and head towards the bed, the bedcovers still strewn across the bed and hanging on the floor, I look at the wall near the bed and recall having Kylo Ren's throat underneath my fingers. When did I become so violent, so brutal?
Poe comes out of the walk in robe with a change of clothes. Seeing my pale expression he asks what's wrong.

"It is coming back,"

"What happened?" He asks, leading me to sit on the end of the bed, "Rey just told me I had to find you while she got checked by the doctors," he adds.

"Kylo is what happened, I tried to kill her..." I say quietly my head in my hands "I nearly did until she knocked me out," I add, looking at him with desperation. He sucks in a sharp breath before putting his arm over my shoulder and pulling me into a hug. I twist closer to him and wrap my arm around his back, resting my head on top of her shoulder. We silently hold each other, because Poe doesn't know what to say, and I wouldn't know how to respond. Poe reluctantly lets me go after some time, leaving his hand over my shoulders.

"Why don't you go and clean up?" He says gently and I nod. He slap his hand against my shoulder in a manly way I smile a tiny smile, taking the shirt and shorts before I walk into the bathroom.

I notice the dried blood and bruising starting to form on my head from the lump Rey gave me. I glance down at my chest, and remember all the places Rey's hands had touched, the places she had held. I untie the bandage from around my wrist to see that it is swollen and slightly bruised, I massage it slightly before twisting the faucet and letting the water run warm in the shower before I step under it.
I clean the left over dirt that Rey had not washed away with the cloth; the dry blood liquefies and drips off my skin. As the temperature rises and the steam flows around my naked body I find it even harder to breathe. I stagger for oxygen but continue to rub some lotions into my hair, my hands feel foreign running through it, nothing like the sensation that Rey's fingers create. As the water rushes over my body I think I realise something, and it makes my aching hurt flutter slightly. However, I push the feeling down and rinse away the poorly distributed products and get out of the shower. I dry myself with the towel and slip on my clothes, running the towel over my hair once more before I retie the bandage around my wrist tightly. I hang the damp towel on the rack and twist the door handle, exiting the bathroom.

I close the door and turn to see that Poe has made the bed and packed my belongings into my bag. He is quietly seated at the table near the back of the room, and I go and sit on the chair opposite him. My attention focused on the purple wildflowers. They have wilted slightly but still lie on the table top.

"Poe I need to leave," I say abruptly, cutting through the silence.

"Finn," he sighs, exasperated, "Have you spoken to Rey, do you know what happened?"

I shake my head, "No I don't need to, because all I know is I tried to suffocate her, and I can't get it out of my head," Poe closes his eyes.

"You wouldn't do that though, you wouldn't hurt her. Are you sure you aren't hallucinating, that's a pretty decent bump on your head," he tries to reason with me, but I gaze at him sternly.

"I'm not imagining it, I had my hands around her neck, right there," I point to the floor near the restroom, "she has bruises, Poe. I was going to kill her,"

"But you didn't," his gaze is intense.

"That's irrelevant. I almost did, if she hadn't of smashed my blaster into my head, I..." I trail off not wanting to finish the sentence.

"Does she know you want to leave?" He asks, looking down at his hands that fiddle with each other on the table

"It didn't exactly come up," I mutter.

"Does she want you to leave?" He looks up at me, right in the eyes but I can't hold his penetrating gaze for long.

"Well, yeah, after what I did..." I glance back up and he has one eyebrow raised and he glares at me. "Okay maybe she doesn't, but it doesn't matter what she wants," I mumble.

Poe purses his lips, huffs and tilts his head to one side, "Finn, if she still wants you around you should probably stay,"

"Whose side of you on, Poe? I thought we were friends?" I whine, and Poe stands up, moving easily in his heavy pilot uniform.

"Finn, you're the closest thing I have to family here and it's time I give you some brotherly advice-" he states firmly, and I can't help but smile, "-Pull your damn head in. It's time you realise that woman is crazy for you, and you're willing to give it up? Even though everyone knows you feel the same," My smile fades.

No one else here makes me feel the way that Rey does, and I have to push down the realisation he might be right. "You didn't see the look in her eyes, Poe. I can't bear to be near her, not knowing her terror was because of me," Poe sighs and sits back down in the chair.

"Look, if anyone should be pushing you away it should be Rey. If you really did what you say you did, then she should be the one scared, not you."

He is right, the irony is not lost on me, and every piece of my heart wants to forget it and run to her, but her expression is all I see. "I need to leave; she isn't safe around me,"

"Finn, You can't live your life with this haunting you, because it isn't going to stay here with Rey," I hate to admit that I know he is right.

"I can try. Rey can't have someone like me around her..." Poe closes his eyes and breathes out steadily for a moment.

"Okay," he finally says.

"Okay?" I repeat.

"I'll get you off the planet, because you'll kill yourself trying to find another way. Don't ever say I never tried to convince you to stay, because I think you're making a mistake." He says firmly. I feel a deep sinking feeling inside, like everything in me has decided to shut down. I nod.

"Thank you," he stands up and shakes his head, approaching my side of the table.

"No, don't say it, I'm not happy about this," he pats my shoulder, "We leave in two days, I have an expedition leaving in an hour and won't be back for a while," that must have been why he was working in his cockpit and is still wearing his orange gear.

"Okay, I'll see you then, good luck," he nods once, frowning slightly before leaving the room.

I don't know what to do, I gave this room to Rey, but she still isn't here. I pick up my bag off the bed and decide the best idea would be to get another room.