Already Taken

I Hate This Part

Of course you probably guessed that last night, when I went over to Aidens, I didn't tell him. It's not that I chickened out... I just didn't feel like it was the right time. But like I said, when is it ever the right time?

The next day at school I felt like I was drowning the whole day. Literally, submerged in one hundred feet of water, unable to swim my way to the surface—the water never ending. Everything was so—fucked up. I was gonna hurt someone I truly did care about. I never wanted Aiden to get hurt. But I realized that if I stayed with him for the sake of just staying with him, I'd be hurting him even more—and myself.

I decided that I needed to tell him. Today. No excuses, no backing out. I needed to do this and I would.

–

We're sitting at the lunch table and Aiden is talking to me but I'm not listening. I'm thinking of how I should end things with him. 'I'm falling for Ashley, Aiden.' No, I didn't need to tell him about Ashley just yet. 'I think we're moving in two different directions in our life.' He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't get it.

“Spencer, are you even fucking listening to me?” Aidens harsh words broke me out of my inner thoughts.

I put down the fry I was holding and answered, “Yeah, I'm sorry what were you saying Aiden?”

“What is wrong with you?” He asks, through clenched teeth. Should I tell him now, in front of everyone? I didn't wanna embarrass him.

“It's nothing, Aiden. Can we talk later?” I plead with him, not liking the projected outcome of having this conversation here.

“No, lets fucking talk now, Spencer.” He stood up, his voice a little louder—colder.

“Aiden please.” I begged. My plea falling on deaf ears.

“Lately you've been starting arguments with me, on purpose and--” He was full out yelling now, drawing attention to our table.

“Aid.” I cut him off, trying to reason with him.

“Are you trying to make me break up with you Spencer, is that what you want?” I looked past him, and caught Ashley's eyes. The look of concern on her face, wanting to know if I was okay—that confirmed it for me. I was gay, and I was in love with Ashley. No sense in trying to deny it anymore.

I took my gaze off of Ashley, averting my eyes to Madison who looked worried and nervous for me. I could read her eyes and she was asking me if I wanted help. I shook my head. I looked back at Aiden, he didn't look hurt he just looked angry waiting for my answer.

“Is that what you want, Spencer?” He asks, again. Becoming impatient with my silence. I didn't know if I wanted it to happen this way. I felt like this was the easy way out—getting him to dump me so I could feel better about myself. But I know that I don't love him in that way anymore and I never would. I would never love any guy like that anymore—any person that wasn't Ashley.

“Oh, fuck you Spencer.” He said before storming off. I guess he took my silence as a yes. And on some level that's what it was. I didn't want to end things like that so I chased after him, catching Ashley's eyes again, giving her a small smile—letting her know things would be okay from now on. Aiden wouldn't be a factor anymore.