The Short List

Lust

Lust: (strong) sexual desire, sexual appetite, sexual longing, crave, ache for, burn for, drool over.

Lust is not love in any capacity.

Lust is sometimes mistaken for love.

Lust is dangerous, needy, selfish, beastly, barbaric, cruel, heartless, unsophisticated, ignorant, primitive, addictive.

Lust can be anger, sadness, bitterness, loss, loneliness, pain, suffering, meaningless.

L-u-s-t, lust... lust.

It rolls off your tongue so easily, but then ends so harshly; abrupt like a man's leaving after orgasm because he doesn't give a fuck... about you, or your state of mind. He leaves you there in a lust drunk stupor, trying to pick yourself up after he's broken you down to a human jigsaw puzzle of pathetic, empty pleasure.

How does that make you feel?

How does that make you live?

I know how it makes me feel: empty ashamed lonely full of regret longing depressed confused anxious torn cold twisted gasping for air and rarely satisfied.

If lust were an addiction, if lust were a thing to be consumed through one's mouth... I would choke on it and die. I wouldn't be able to help myself. I can't get enough of it. I can't get enough of the high that lust gives me from the contact of being inside another human being. I would overdose in a bedroom, bathroom, car, dingy shopping mall stall... anywhere that I could get it, indulge in it... let it consume me with all its darkness.

I would take it with water like a pill, or eat it like cake with a fork and stuff my fat fucking face till it made me sick. I would indulge in it when I'm bored, or high as a kite, or under the influence of a substance, or someone. I would let it be my King, my ruler, my Savior, my guide to a path of sin.

Downward spiral of chaos perhaps, but I'd like it while smack dab in the middle of the feel-good process.

Consume me, lust, with all your power of control over my feeble mind. Wash over me like the scalding hot water from a shower nozzle, or the freezing cold water of a rushing waterfall.

Be wild, be what you've always been for me: a gateway to a poor excuse of a good man, who still believes in a God who won't strike him down for his sins.