Letters From Society's Creation

Letter Twenty Three

I'm so sorry again, my love for not writing in a while. Things have been beyond crazy. Who am I? What am I? I don't even know. I've been cutting every week now. I can't control myself. I am so sorry. I have let you down. I have let myself down.

I want to be open with you, more open than I have been. I have decided the only way for me to accomplish the place I want to be in life is to be honest.

My name is Alex, as you already know and I am society's creation. I am a female. I am 15 years old. I am going into 10th grade. I have depression, bipolar disorder and anxiety. I am suppose to be on medication but my mother won't allow that. So, I guess that is all you need to know. I wish to know more about you though, my dear.

Getting back on track though, I have been cutting every single week. I know it is so unhealthy. I can't take it. The sadness just builds up and up to the point in which I grab my knife and drag it across my skin over and over again. It is the feeling I guess that I love. It's like I can feel the adrenalin rushing through my veins as I slice my arm and the blood slowly comes to the surface. You know what I mean? I hope you don't though.

Don't ever cut. Ever.

Just as any normal teenager, I am having so many love problems. So there is this boy who has been so sweet to me. He goes to my school and I'll admit, I like him. He likes me though too. Yes, there is no issue there, but then it gets complicated. We both like each other, we both want to be with each other but I just can't commit. I can't commit because I love my best friend (the ex significant other I had mentioned in my last letter). I love him more than anything in this entire world, but he doesn't know that. We dated in the past and then we just separated but now this summer we have become so close again and I am scared to tell him I have always loved him even after we broke up. Oh, and not to mention he has a girlfriend. My best friend and I take such good care of one another, though. He always knows when I am depressed and I always know when he is. He's a cutter too. He's been in the hospital numerous amounts of times for almost killing himself. We understand each other. He's always saying how much he cares about me and how willing he is to do anything to make me happy. He even ignores his girlfriend when he's with me and or if one of us is depressed. What should I do? My heart will forever belong to my best friend, but I do like this other guy. Help?

My family life has gotten worse. I saw my father today though, it has been forever since I last saw him. He didn't talk much. It was mostly silence. Pretty sad, huh? My mom has been a bit rude. She always yells at me. She doesn't think I have any feelings. She told me she understands why my father doesn't love me. Sucks to be me. Feels like nobody loves me.

How is life for you, my love? How are you? Are you enjoying yourself? I hope everything is splendid.

Much love,

Alex.