15 Days

Day 15

Day 15

Today was the day. I didn't know what to think. Yesterday after I'd gone home I'd called Sadie and we talked well into the night, but we never approached the topic. I woke up with butterflies swarming my stomach and feeling slightly light-headed. My mom suggested skipping school but I had to go.

I wore my usual attire of khakis and a button down shirt with a loose tie, but I made an effort to tame my hair a bit. It didn't work very well. On the bus I slipped on my headphones and scrolled through my "recently heard" songs. There was one, going back two weeks that I remembered listening to, and, putting that on, I leaned my head against the seat and tried to calm myself down.

~~~

"Bobby? You okay? You look really pale." I was standing outside the lunchroom doors, fingers wrapped so tightly around my lunch bag I thought I was going to rip it. Sam looked at me with concern, but all I could do was shake my head. "Come on, it won't be so bad." She said, gently prying the bag away before I could demolish it. "Just keep your head up, and walk in."

"I can't do this." I whispered. All day people had been staring at me and whispering- some even asked me if I was ready. Most of my friends had sought me out to reassure me that no matter what they wouldn't abandon me. I didn't believe them.

"Yes you can, Bobby. You have worked so hard for this."

"Sam, I can't. Maybe if we were alone, but I- I can't do this in front of so many people." I looked at her for the first time. "I think I'm gonna be sick." I felt clammy and ill, sweat beading on my forehead and my empty stomach growling.

"Bobby, look at me." Sam planted her hands on my cheeks, forcing me to look into her eyes. "You can do this. Just walk in, sit down, eat your food, and when you're done, ask her. I'm here, I'll walk in with you. You can do this." I looked at her with heavy eyes and slowly nodded my consent. It did nothing to calm down my nerves or make me feel better. "Okay, let's go." She grabbed my hand and slowly turned us to face the doors.

Taking baby steps, we moved closer and closer to my doom, until finally, we stood in the doorway. Almost instantly people noticed it was me standing there and they hushed, turning their eyes to me. I swallowed, clenching Sam's hand as tightly as I could. I felt her flinch but there was no way I could let her go. Slowly she led me to our usual table, where I sat down, my legs shaking. Tristan looked at me with huge eyes.

"Are you ready?" He asked quietly. I shook my head, wiping my pale, sweaty face with the back of my hand. Sam laid out my lunch but just looking at it made me feel nauseous. I shoved the food away.

"Bobby, you have to eat something." This came from Margie, who pushed my apple in front of my sandwich. "Just a bite. Go on, you'll need it." I nodded feverishly and took a bite out of the fruit. Juice spilled down my chin, but I barely noticed it, automatically lifting a napkin to wipe it off. The apple tasted like cardboard and the second it went down I wanted to puke it back up again. I set what remained on the table, not touching the rest of the food. All of my friends watched me worriedly.

Finally, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned in my seat to see Eugene looking down at me with his fierce blue gaze. He nodded. It was time.

I slowly got to my feet and practically fell down again from the quaking of my legs. Gene's hand shot out to grip my bicep, keeping me from embarrassing myself even more. I muttered a barely audible thank you.

"Bobby." Gene looked at me, his eyes pinning me in place. "Whatever happens next depends on you, not her." Leaving it at that, he let me go, stepping aside so I could have a clear path. I didn't move though, staring at him in confusion. What did he mean? His eyes betrayed nothing, though, so I kept moving, stepping shakily and blindly around seats and tables. The whole lunchroom had gone silent, which had to be a feat for this school.

She was looking at me. Her brown eyes were carefully guarded, giving nothing away. I nearly tripped over myself, but somehow, I got there. My stomach was an empty, writhing, wreck. I was a wreck. How was this happening?

I sat down beside her, turning so we were facing each other. Sadie looked at me, waiting. I reached out and took her hand, seeking some sort of comfort. She offered none. Silence stretched between us for a long time; I was thinking about everything. The ice cream, the festival, the rock-climbing, the stage, the pumpkin, the horses, the tree, the stars, the phone calls. Slowly, taking a shaky breath, I spoke.

"Sadie Calloway. Are you in love with me?" There was a moment of silence. It was in that moment that I realized how much I wanted her to say yes. It wasn't just the challenge, or the thought of being alone, or the night in the woods anymore. I-I was in love with her, I realized. She'd stolen my heart and not in an "in awe" way. She'd taught me that there's more to everyone than what people label them, she'd taught me people were full of surprises big and small, she'd taught me to become confident in myself. And I loved her for it. I loved her for every day and every night we'd spent together, for every phone call we'd had, few as they were, I loved her for coming to my house when I was sick, I loved her for being able to confide in me, I loved her for forgiving me when I'd been so wrong, and I loved her for not being afraid to cry in front of me. Looking into her eyes, I tried to tell her all of that.

"Bobby," Her voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear her, "I'm sorry. You are an amazing person, but...I'm not in love with you."

"What?" It didn't register. Nothing came- no feeling, no thoughts...I felt blank. "You...?"

"I'm sorry." She looked close to tears. Slowly, so slowly I thought I had to be underwater, I let go of her hands, and stood. It was like I wasn't in control of my body. I just moved, blindly, blankly, not understanding what was going on.

"Okay." Was all I said before turning and slowly walking past the tables of students, all staring up at me with wide eyes, most sympathetic, but also repulsed as if I'd done something disgusting. People shied away from me, but I didn't react, didn't say anything, didn't feel anything. My eyes met Liam Channery's across the room and he smirked smugly, but I didn't respond, didn't feel a lurch of hate like I thought I would. As I exited the room I caught Eugene's gaze. He lifted his chin slightly and his last words rang through my head. I still didn't understand.

Slowly, I walked out of the lunchroom. I walked down the hallway. I walked out of the school. I walked down the sideway and I walked to my secret path in the park. I walked along the path.

I walked, and I walked, and I didn't stop.