Growing up as Transgender in Upstate New York (MtF)

What was that about?

(Daddy no I don't want to go to grandmas it's not far.) next thing I know I'm being shook awake by my grandmother. " Eric wake up Eric plz wake up its" She says as she shacks me awake. I shoot straight up and looked around and start crying. Grandma pulls me close in to a hug "there its ok you are safe. everything is alright now" ((at this point in my life I am 9 years old and have been living with my grandmother for almost 5 years now)) I look at her eyes filled with tears. "why " I ask. She looks at me with a concerned look on her face. 'why did he have to kill himself when I was at school? is it because I am different from my sisters and brother? and why did mommy send me to live here" Crying a little bit harder now she just pulls me closer to her. " sweetie I don't know why he did and no its not because of you being different. And as four your mother she just can't handle have all 4 of you right now. that's why you and Tia (my oldest sister) live with me and Billy and Elissa (my younger brother and my other older sister) live with your aunt and uncle."

I'm still crying, and I look over at the clock and its 3am on Wednesday. We sit there for another hour as she holds me until I start to stop crying. She looks down at me and goes " is my little pumpkin feeling better now?"

I sit there, and I nod she sits there and just smiles for a bit as I lay back down. "Oh, and sweetie you are not different you are unique and there is nothing wrong with that it just makes u a better person" She says to me as I drift off back to sleep. You see at this point in my life my mom has giving up all her kids to her family after she coped with my dad's death. and it was around this point my grandma saw that I was not like the others. I was playing house with my sister and I was always doing everything she did. and that's when my grandma asked if I was a boy and wanted to do boy things. I told her no I want to dress girly and grow my hair long. that's when it dawned on her that I really wanted to be a little girl. and that's how she treated me.

After I woke back up later in the day I saw it was 10am I get up and rush out to my grandma because I knew it was a school day and I over slept. As I got to the living room I saw my grandma sitting there with my pastor of my church. I look down and here I am in a night gowned and I get really embarrassed and run back to my room to change. After I change into something more boyish I walk back out to the living room. my grandma and pastor ask me to sit down se we could talk, and I sat on my grandma's lap. "Eric, I know thing lately have been really scary for you" my pastor said. I look at him with my eyes still red and puff from when I cried. "Your grandma called me this morning and told me what happened this morning. I wanted to come over and sit with you and have a talk about what's going on." my pastor says and all I do is nod due to still being a bit up set. "first I want to say you didn't need to change it to boy clothes your grandma told all about it and there is nothing wrong with it not even in the bible. Also, we are concerned with you after your dad's death and the fact u saw it we want to make sure everything is ok." at this time my grandma starts to hold me closer and whispering in my ear "everything is going to ok sweetie we are here for you"

As she starts rocking back and forth I start to come down a bit and start to hold back my tears. my pastor looks at me eye to eye "I know this is very though for you right now, but it thinks it's you know the truth about what's going on you are a growing little girl and you are at the age to know why." I looked at him all confused and then at my grandmother " What are you talking about the truth?" I ask and at the point my grandma and pastor look at each other and call my sister out.

Tia (who is 3 years older than me) sits on the couch next to my pastor and looks at me with tears in her eyes. "You know we love you and I know yes you are my little brother but at the same time you are my sister. I was your age when grandma and pastor sears sat me down and told me this." She looks me right in the eyes "when dad died he was very ill, and he didn't want to hurt any of us." I looked at her like what are you talking about. she opens a piece of paper and hands it to me. I am looking at it and I just can't believe what I saw.