Growing up as Transgender in Upstate New York (MtF)

Why did You keep this from me

Here it is a year later in late spring of 7th grade. my grandma has gotten ill with cancer and she is now living with my aunt to be taken care of. Tia got married to her bf and has a son now. As it goes for me no one has brought up me wanting to be a girl since the big fight last year. My step dad and I are still not talking to each other. As the year comes to an end I am looking forward to a nice summer before I start junior high school I can't wait. Baseball season is coming to an end (had to play that due to not being able to play soft ball) My uncle Greg was the coach of my team and he loved to play favorites. I didn't mind due to the fact I was one of them. One day at practice I was the cutoff man for the drills we were doing at the time the day was going great I mean the girls field hockey team was practice in the field next to us in their skirts. (Oh, how I longed to be over there I thought to myself)

I didn't realize I was day dreaming until my wrist became very pain full and that's when I knew what happened. At the point of I'm pack I can hear my uncle swear and run right over to me. "Your mom is going to kill me" is all I hear him say as he gets my glove off to see a badly broken wrist. "You if she knew I was looking over at the girls and wanting to be there instead she well kill me " I tell my uncle up close, so others won't hear. At that he shouts a scared look at me and called is assistance over to finish the drill before sending everyone home. On the way to the Hospital it was quite for a bit and then my uncle spoke. "I know what you were thinking as I saw you looking at them aunt Joan and grandma told me everything years ago. but we cannot tell your mom that." I look at him like what do you want to say then. And as if he was reading my mind we came up with a story " we well tell your mom that you where my cutoff man for a drill and I yelled heads up and you looked up and go ready to catch a pop fly. but instead it was a line drive right into your wrist." I looked at him thinking to myself "my mom won't fall for that she knows me to well and knows how good of a player I am." But all I did was nod and agree. As we got to the er my mom was there waiting for us to show up. and after I was checked in my uncle told her everything and how it happened and to my surprise she bought it I was shocked. After about 5 x-rays they determined it was broken in 10 places and I'll be out for the rest of the season. that up set my mom, but I was so happy. 3 weeks went by and I told my mom I want to go see grandma and visit with her Sunday. " I'm sorry you can't go to see her Sunday or ever again." my face dropped, and I was like what why not she my grandma I have every right. and that's when she told me "Grandma died last week". I was shocked "when did you plain on telling me this at her wake or when we were putting her in the ground". and with that I stormed off not wanting to talk to anyone.

4 days later at the wake is when it really hit me the only real person that knew me for me and allowed it is died laying right there in front of me. I lost it I cried so hard my step dad picked me up and cared me out of there. That's when I noticed he was upset. "I know you were close to her and I'm really sorry that you lost her"". I can't believe what I'm hearing the best has a soft side to him and his only showing it to me. I couldn't say anything I just kept crying I mean I have lived with this lady for a very long time I mean longer than I ever did with my mom. and then I thought of my dad all over again and I just couldn't stop. I told him I want to be alone right now and without saying anything he got up and left. For the first time ever, I felt so alone in the world and I had no one to turn to. The next day while everyone else was crying and saying their good byes I just sat there cold and un able to cry anymore. I was asked if I wanted to go say good bye to her and I just sat there till it was time to leave. After we put her in the ground I got in the car didn't say a word to any one and waited to go home.

Summer hit and I was still in shock that 2 months ago we buried my grandma my only support system I had left. Work started up and all I did all summer was going to work and stayed in my room away from everyone. As soon as summer let up and school stared again I didn't know what to do so I went to school and kept to myself as a loner. Then one day I meet a kid named Eric I remember seeing him around church on Sunday, but we never talked. he stared to talk to me and after about 3 months I was starting to feel better till one day I got home. I walked in the door and my step dad was sitting there with a skirt that I had bought and thought I had hidden in the bottom of my dresser draw. I didn't say a word just sat down right in front of him. "What is this " he asked "I thought you were done with this crap. you are a guy and guys don't wear these." and at that point he picked it up and ripped it up right in front of me. I started to cry but before he saw I got up and ran to my room.