Dear Simon // Ministar FF

1-3

My pillow was soaked with tears, and my head hurt really badly. My throat was sore, but I didn't want to go downstairs to get a drink. And my heart was the worst, the pain in my chest was real. It felt like I'd die of heartbreak. I wouldn't care to be honest.

Memories. I hate them. They tap you on your shoulder every now and then to remind you that they're there.

I try thinking and holding on to the good memories, but they just get sweaped away by the bad ones.

Why?

Again, and again, the scene was repeating in my head.

Josh had knocked on my door once or twice persuading me to go downstairs, but I completely ignored him. I didn't feel like talking to anyone.

But him.

What I would do to see him right now.

One more look. One more smile. One more word.

Something.

Anything.

But that's not going to happen.

Can you hear me?

Can you feel me dying inside?

The tears came back. I pictured him in my mind. Him smiling, with his dimples.

I smiled. God knows how long it had been since I last smiled. I pictured him again, and I felt a spark in my heart, but was soon overtaken by the sadness that was controlling my mind. The sadness that was there instead of his presence.

Am I going crazy?

I sat up and studied my room. My set up, my youtube plates that were hung up on my wall, and my one million subscribers plate leaning against my shelves, that were stacked with clothes and loads of more random things. There were books. JJ's book. 

A thought snapped into my head.

I got out of bed and pulled out an old notebook, and tore out the pages that had been used. Sitting down at my desk, I picked up a pen and wrote down the date, then below that:

3 weeks and two days.

 Dear Simon,

 If you can hear me, if you're reading this, then I've found you, and we're together again, and I'll be out of my misery. I think I'm going crazy. But fuck it. I don't care.

Now what do I write? Give me a hand here.

I know. I'll talk about yesterday.

Tobi recently moved to London, the same flat Harry and the Cals are at. You remember the view right? Over looking London. It's amazing. But, I still prefer the Sidemen house. Well, I did, because I got to see you all day everyday, I got to see that amazing smile of yours.

Yesterday. Tobi wanted to show everyone the place, but it turned into some sort of party. I was so angry. They were like monsters, how are you supposed to party and drink so soon?

I take that back. They're not monsters. They care, you know? They're shattered. Just not as bad as me. But they're getting on with life, they're forgetting all about it. I wish I could, but I can't, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to.

Anyway, they all got really drunk. I got drunk too, in fact. JJ and Cal were persuading me to.

I chuckled.

You've always wanted me to drink, right?

Freya had to drive us back. We got back home, and I think it was Josh? Yeah, Josh, wanted to play spin the bottle. You remember yeah? That time.

I stopped writing as the memories flooded back. The smile on my face grew bigger, and I felt happy inside, I could feel myself changing.

You kissed me, you idiot. And the next morning was the funniest, when we saw each other, and our face expressions were priceless. Then you told me that you weren't that drunk, and remembered it pretty well.

I was annoyed, but guess where it got us?

I stopped and stared at the last sentence.

The smile on my face disappeared, and hurt came flooding through my blood.

I put the pen down, and closed the notebook, and finished off what I was going to write in my mind.

It got us here. It gave us each other.

But I'd rather have you here with me now how everything once was. When you were my brother, not my lover.

If you hadn't kissed me that time, you'd be upstairs in your room recording GTA with me and the guys.

If things had been different.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I could hear the patter of them splashing on my desk.

But I still love you.

And I always will, Simon.

I will always love you.