Dear Simon // Ministar FF

3-1

 Footsteps, thud, thud, thud, disturbed the dead silence of my room. Heavy, but steady. Josh.

 I had been doing what I'd done best the last four weeks. Laying in my bed, crying and daydreaming, usually about nothing, sometimes the 'what if's, and occasionally his smile will pop into my head. That's where the tears come in, again.

The footsteps faded, then came to a stop. Josh going downstairs. That reminded me about JJ. He had his own flat, but he stayed at the house more often. The times I leave my room (once every two days), forcing myself to take a bite of something, (improvement), I only ever run into Josh. I try not to notice him. We make quick eye contact before I look away and run off. He tries to talk, but I can't. I hadn't seen or heard JJ's voice.

Obviously, they had been friends for over ten years.

 I had been making improvement, going downstairs, I left the house three times, but the pain was still drowning me.

 I should talk. Josh wanted to talk to me. I could tell.

I was holding myself back, I was scared inside, scared of the presence of people.

But Simon was telling me to go downstairs, talk to Josh, move on. So I got up.

***

 I peered round the corner of the living room. Josh's eyes were glued to the t.v, a can of doctor pepper in his hand. He hadn't noticed me, so he wasn't expecting me to be downstairs.  I studied him for a bit, thinking whether to go over or not. His eyes were  glued to the t.v, but they looked empty, like he was lost.

 I went over, and he seemed startled to see me. His eyes wide open, staring at me.

"Vikk." A smile formed on his face. I couldn't help letting the side of my mouth curve. His smile was warm and comforting. It made me feel safe.

 I sunk down next to him.

"You came out of your cave, eh?"

I laughed. It was only for a second, but I felt better. "Yeah, surprise, surprise."

He punched my arm. "That's more like it."

We sat in silence for a few moments. It was weird, sitting down on the sofa, with Josh next to me.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Football, like you'd understand anything about it."

We both laughed. The sound filling my ears, filling my heart, making me feel better instantly.

"This is a change." Josh took a sip of his drink. "A change, but just how it used to be."

 My smile faded as he said that, but I instantly held it on my face. It had taken me courage to come down to the lounge and sit with Josh.

"Sorry." He looked down. He knew he shouldn't have said that.

"No, no, it's ok." I paused. "I need to accept it, you know?" I was finally coming out of that nutshell that had me trapped.

He nodded, took another sip of his drink, and carried on watching t.v. He seemed alright, like he'd got over it. But I knew, none of us would ever be over it.

"Josh, I never thought getting over losing someone was this tough. Other people always seemed to be fine after a week or so."

He shrugged. "Guess it shows you had a special bond."

 We did.

I smiled. "I'm going to get something to eat. A proper meal, go out. Need anything?"

"I'm fine thanks. Just make sure you come back to watch t.v."

"Sure thing." I stood up and was about to leave the room.

"Vikk?" Josh got up and put a hand on my shoulder, and I turned around to face him.

He gave me one of his big bear hugs, and I hugged him back.

"I miss him too," he whispered.

 We needed each other. We all knew it, not just us two, but us six. We also needed that seven.