Do You Mean It ☹ SHAYLOR (ALYLM contrast)

t w e l v e

"So what was that message about yesterday? Why didn't you talk to me after?" Matt shuts my office door and walks is way across my desk.

"As in, I don't want to see you anymore. I can't. Didn't you tell me to choose?" I snap at him and turn around, looking outside the window.

I can't bare to see another heart broken. Shawn's was enough during the last few weeks.

I hear Matt take a deep breath. "What do you see in him. I thought he was talking to Cameron. What if he actually is cheating on you too?"

"He wouldn't. He loves me too much. It's something you don't have in you. He loves me and you don't." I speak out.

"Oh but I do." Matt says sternly.

"Well I don't." I tell him.

I walk over to my door and open it for him. "It's strictly business, besides that, I don't want anything that has to deal with you."

I see Matt tear up and I look away. It didn't hurt as much as seeing Shawn cry but it still hurt the least bit.

Before Matt walks away he stands against the door. "Can I at least kiss you once more?"

"I'm sorry. I don't want that." I say softly and close the door. When I get to my chair, I roll it and face the window once again.

I'm so up here. I had everything, I still do but I'm walking on a thread. I've cheated on him, but this whole time he was carrying our baby.

How does this make me feel. Terrible.

I didn't know that. But; how I grew to see if the other day when Shawn looked like he was nearly dying, I saw it as, without him there's nothing left for me.

I thought about life without Matt and there wasn't too much to think about.

I thought about life without Shawn and it made me realize there would be no life at all.

I thought about he nicknames and telling him I love him because I thought he was going to die that day. And those two things are what he loves most, my nicknames for him and my love.

Now here I am, he's alive and well. But not for long after I confess to him. Which would be a terrible mistake.

I debate here, right now, considering if I want to take this opportunity to tell him when I get home.

And I think I will.

7:20 pm

And I realized I couldn't.

I came home welcomed with a crying Shawn. It breaks my heart and I can't see anymore of it. I don't want anymore pain for him.

"I'll take care of you." I tell him softly and lay him on the bed. I kiss his forehead before putting the blanket over him.

"I'll make in bed dinner, okay? Then it's you and me. Cuddling. I know you missed that. It's something I longed for the past month as well, with only you." I whisper.

Shawn smiles weak and faces the opposite side of me. I sigh and head downstairs.

I'll make him a meal he will never forget and I'll hold him like I'll never do so again.

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