Letters to our Past #Wattys2016

Third letter

Spring 2024

My angel

When I think about this first year in drama club I remember all those little things that seemed quite meaningless to us. To the others of course not. And now that I know how short our time together has been, they've become so meaningful.

For example I still remember how much you liked it to have your back scratched. I remember your scent or how you started to shiver when I scratched that one spot on your right shoulder blade. I remember how safe I felt when you held me in your arms minutes before the performance started just to calm me down.

And I remember your teasing about my bouncing boobs each time I came running to you. Or how you would pinch me in my bottom cheek. Even clearer I remember how I always felt that it should bother me. But it never did. Every other man would've made me feel uncomfortable and harassed. But I knew that's just your way of showing affection and that you didn't mean it as some kind of approach.

We had such a great friendship. What went wrong? 

I remember that one conversation when we talked about love. How we wished for someone in our lives who made us feel special. Who could make us laugh even when we felt like our whole world was falling apart. Who made our heart a little lighter and warmer. A person who we couldn't stop thinking about. 

And how you said "You know Lil you make me feel this way."

And how I said "And you make me feel it too. But I mean it in a romantic way."

And then your question, that will haunt me forever: "Why do we need love if we have all this with each other? Why does one need a lover if one has such a strong friendship?"

I couldn't answer. I still can't. But today I doubt that we were just friends. Just like everyone else doubted it. But we were just too blind. We were searching for each others' luck not realizing that we would've been each others luck. 

There was too much tension. Too much searching for a reason to get close. Too much flirting. Too much affection.

All those times during rehearsal sitting on your lap my head resting on your shoulder. I felt so protected and safe. I didn't care what the others said, how they were talking behind my back that I was a bitch. That I was just simply playing with you. We knew this wasn't the truth. I enjoyed your company and I could feel that you enjoyed it as well. 

We were just too young and innocent. We had never been in love, had just experienced those meaningless crushes. We mistook love for friendship. Or maybe we just couldn't accept it. Because we DID feel it somehow. 

But we knew it wouldn't work out, we could feel it. And that's why we ignored what was so obvious. We should've sticked to it. 

Look where we are now, after we've given in to it.

Ten years without speaking. And yes Blake I know it's the circumstances but is it really? Would it be any different under other circumstances?

From the moment we finally acknowledged the feelings we had denied over 6 months we screwed up. And we started drifting apart.

There still were the hugs and the flirting teasing but it didn't feel as easy as before. The conversations weren't as honest anymore. And in the closeness we shared you could feel the distance. 

We were happy I'm not denying it. I was happy for you and her and you were happy for me and him. 

But up to this day I feel that we've missed our chance.

Our chance of having this limited time for us. We would've never made it and about this I am certain. But I think it would've been a kind of love, neither of us has experienced anymore. It would've been so extraordinary and unique I know it would've been.

Why I am so convinced?

Because I've never forgotten you. In all those years there hasn't gone a month were I haven't thought about you. When I have tough decisions to make and am stuck worrying what might could happen I still wonder what you would do. I wonder what Blake would do the guy who never thought further as what he would eat for dinner. I still wish I could care a bit less and not plan every step on my way. But it's hard you know.

I need this security of knowing where I want to be in ten years. But it scares me because you will never land where you wanted to get to in the first place. But without a plan I feel aimless. How could you live like that?

I admired it so much at the age of 17 but now I wonder how you can get up without having a reason. And for me "Enjoy your day" just isn't reason enough. I don't understand this concept of "carpe diem". 

But I know you did. And I know very well why. And maybe that's the only reason why we are so different. Because fate had different ways for us. And while yours back then was to enjoy your day without worrying too much mine was and still is to think ahead and forge my own destiny. 

And that's what I do. I do it with having you and your way of life at the back of my mind. Thinking of you every now and then.

That's why I'm convinced. If you are part of my destiny without even being around and being so important to me, this love would've been unique.

But I still believe in what I told you twelve years ago when we shared this sweet and painful kiss.

"Everything happens for a reason and is part of who we are." 

And that's what you and all our memories were, are and always will be. Part of me and my destiny. And even if they are not how a love story is supposed to be I know that somehow we do have our very own love story. A love story about how it simply doesn't always work out the way we think it should. And how it still can end up being good and right.