Letters to our Past #Wattys2016

Second letter

Spring 2024

My angel

Me attending drama club. Who would have thought that?

I certainly didn't. My first two years of high school I've spent admiring all the students on the stage who were bold enough to be part of this club. Obviously I was too shy. Full of inhibitions. I watched them dancing, screaming and hysterically shouting on this stage, bringing it to life in such a magical way and all I could think was: "How can they do that without feeling ashamed?"

But those plays always had such a drawing power on me. Each year when spring came around and you could sign up for the club I found myself staring at the sheet that was already full of names. Pen in hand I stood there, trying to force myself to write down my name. Just to cop out last second. 

It wasn't any different back in 2012. By the time the sheet was hanging at the board we were somewhat friends and you knew how tempted I was. You already signed up. Of course you did. 

Whenever you entered a room all the girls would turn around and look at you. And you? You wouldn't even notice. Never would you care about what others might think of you. It seemed you were born to play. And somehow you were. It wasn't a surprise at all that you got the male lead in your first year. 

However when you saw me standing in front of that sheet for what felt like the thousandth time, you changed my life. 

"Jeez Lily are you really doing this again? What else does it need for you to sign up? I already told you I am just going if you are signing up as well! And look whose name is on the damn sheet. Blaaaaaaaaaake Miiiiiiilleeeeeer..." you stood there, reading your name as if you were a little kid that's just learning how to read. "See? That's my name! And where's yours Bennett?" you started searching for my name on the board, making me giggle like a little school girl. " Ah there it is!" And just like that you nicked my pen and wrote my name on the sheet. 

And that's how I ended up in the drama club. And as we know now that was one of the best decisions I made so far. Even if it wasn't by choice. 

Thank you for that!

Did you know I am still playing? After high school I didn't want to at first, thinking it could never be the same as it was with you and all the others. But after a while I started to miss it.

I missed the way I would stand on stage and look at all the empty chairs minutes before the audience came. I missed the smell of make-up and old dresses, the way the lights would shine on your skin and the heat it made you feel. I missed that one special moment the two of us would have every night before our performance. Do you remember?

Sitting there on stage next to each other, eyes closed. The screaming and giggling from the others was just a distant noise, merely even entering our awareness. The only thing close to hear were our breathes. Feeling the excitement buzzing around in the air. The hair in my neck and on my arms would stand on end. I loved this moment. It was quite contrary to the atmosphere during the performance. It was this inner excitement mixed with nervousness but sitting next to you it somehow was the way to calm me down and find inner peace within the hectic rush all of us felt. I could always feel your presence next to me giving off nothing but sheer tranquillity. This one moment always belonged just to the two of us. Just you and me for five minutes. The five minutes I needed the most.

Of course if I am part of a play now I don't have you next to me to calm down. Somehow I manage. I still need to sit down minutes before the performance and just close my eyes and try to relax. I manage even though I am sitting alone. To be honest I think of how it was back in our time. I try to remember how your tranquillity felt. And somehow it helps. I hope you're not mad at me for this. 

You see even after all those years you are still with me. And sometimes I wish I was somehow with you as well. Am I?

You'll hear from me soon!

In love always

L.