Letters to our Past #Wattys2016

Fourth letter

Spring 2024

My angel 

To be honest I don't really have to say anything and I'm not so sure anymore if this was a good idea.

All the letters I wrote so far are still in our box on my nightstand, safely guarded by our old letters, photos and other memories. I am the only person that has read them and maybe it should stay like this.

Maybe you should never see them. This could be a bad idea and I didn't feel entirely comfortable with it from the very beginning. But as I said before I needed to do it because deep inside my heart it felt like the right thing to do. 

So maybe just for this one letter, I won't be talking about us. Instead I'll tell you about me. About my life and what has happened in those ten years we haven't heard from each other.

Well first of all I did become an artist. Well at least some kind of. Not at all how I imagined it back then but in a way that makes me satisfied and happy. 

I did study art for a few semesters and made my degree. With the degree in my hand I felt like it was just the very beginning of something big. I really thought I could make it just like you promised me. But as we both know that's not how it works. You can dream as much you want and stare at a note on your mirror saying "Live your dreams" over and over again but some dreams are just not meant to be part of reality.

But don't worry I have found myself another dream. And this one is so much better because this dream really is part of my reality. Today I work with children. Children who have seen already far too much in their young lives. Children who need to see the beauty in this world again. And that's what I do. I try to bring beauty and joy back to them. We create art together, art that is connected with their mournful past and escorts them into a new life filled with hope.  The pictures often are dark and burdensome in the beginning but along the way they lighten up and often you can really start to see love and hope in them. I am part of their journey, being a audience, mentor, guard and friend at the same time. And that is a dream come true that I couldn't even dream of back in 2012.

Along my way I have met many people. I have tried to live and by that I mean the way of life you always tried to show me. 

Yes I did get drunk a few too many times and yes I had some tongues in my mouth who aren't connected to a face or a name in my memory anymore. But to be honest that has never become something that I enjoyed. I guess I am just not a party animal. Never really was and never really will be. I enjoy going out and from time to time I like to have one over the eight.

But I still love spending my saturday night at home in front of the fireplace with my nose stuck in a good book. I am still hopelessly romantic and watch movies like the notebook. I even found myself another book I have to read at least once a year. If I don't read it I feel empty and start to miss the protagonists. It's called "Me before you" and it's jut so bitter-sweet. The story keeps haunting me and I still cry reading it even though I've must have read it at least 20 times.  

Yes I know you don't really care but that's just who I am. You see some things never change. Another thing that hasn't changed is my love for "Beauty and the beast".

And every time I hear "be our guest" my eyes get teary at the memory of us singing it together.

I really miss you Blake. 

I am not lonely or still heartbroken, in fact I am even really happy. As you predicted Tom and I didn't last very long after high school. But four years ago I've met who seems to be the love of my life.

His name is Mason. We've met at a festival both of us were dragged to and were quite out of place. He's a high school teacher and exactly what I have always been looking for.

He's outgoing, smart and very charming. I have no doubt that he would give me the shirt off his back. And I would do the very same thing for him without hesitating for one second. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He is my home and his smile keeps me going no matter how low I feel. We can laugh, cry and fight together. And boy do we fight sometime. But I am never scared to lose him because I know we need each other. We make each other complete. He knows my secrets and even my weaknesses and tics do not keep him from being with me. He even embraces them. "If there was just one tic missing you wouldn't be the same woman anymore." That's what he tells me whenever I feel not good enough for him.

To be honest I will probably always feel like that. Even after four years I find myself looking at him thinking: "How did I deserve someone so perfect and caring?"

We even talk about marriage. We have planned to go on vacation this fall and my friends are betting if and where he'll propose while we're traveling around. 

You see I am happy. 

But that doesn't mean that I can't miss you.

I miss you Blake Miller with all my heart and that's why I write to you. 

Because we didn't get the ending we deserved and even tough the wounds back then are nothing more than pale little scars I wish we had gotten another ending. 

Missing you doesn't mean that I love Mason any less it simply means I miss you.

I miss my old best friend. 

In love always

L.