Letters to our Past #Wattys2016

another letter from the past

March 2013

Hey Lil

Now it's all over. Five shows and it's already over. How can we practice for almost one year and after one week it's already over again? At least practise for next year's play starts in two months :-)

The end has come too soon. I know I've promised you that we will wait with a decision about our future until the show has ended and the stress is over. And as I've promised you I thought about us and what a possible future together would mean. I really did.

And you are right. It wouldn't work. It really wouldn't. 

Believe me this is very hard for me to say. I don't even know why I made this decision.

I have never seen a girl with such a mesmerizing smile. You are so sweet and I love hugging you. In fact you are one of the worlds bestest (yes I know this isn't actually a word Miss-know-it-all) hugger I have ever met. We make a great team and I love spending time with you in school.

But I don't know why I thought I was in love with you. Since we've kissed I don't feel the butterflies in my stomach anymore. Not that you aren't a good kisser, which you really are. You have those wonderful soft lips. But I just didn't feel that excited. Shouldn't it be all fireworks and excitement? Because it wasn't.

Darn Lil I feel like such a jerk writing this to you. I know we should talk about this and maybe we can after the holidays but since I am on skiing holidays there is no way we can see each other before school starts again. And I feel as if I owe you an explanation. 

How did it all get so complicated? 

For weeks my last wish before falling asleep was to hold you in my arms and whenever I saw you I wanted to kiss you so badly. I wanted to show everyone that you belonged to me and how proud I am to call me yours. You make me happy and can make me laugh no matter how bad my day is. You still do. But there's just something missing.

I don't want to change. I still want to go out with my friends on the weekend and I really enjoy smoking weed every once in a while. I know you would hate that but I guess I am not willing to give it up. It really bothered me that I've never had a girlfriend and with you having my first relationship just seemed so close. But I think I want a relationship where me and my girlfriend can be the person we truly are.

If I don't want to change I can not expect it from you either. And we are pretty different you're right. 

Lily please don't hate me, I bet you must feel as if I've just played with your feelings. Maybe I have somehow but never to hurt you. Believe me when I say that I really thought I was in love with you.

I know what follows is the worst thing to say but do you think we can still be friends?

Maybe not right now but eventually again? 

I miss you. I miss you as my friend. Maybe I even miss you as my flirty friend. Because I love flirting with you in this friendly way. I love making jokes about your bouncing boobies. And I love to pinch you in your butt cheek when we see each other. And I love hugging and tickling you.

But most of all I miss my friend. I miss talking to you about all this sentimental stuff. We had such deep conversations about things that I've never told anyone else. Not even my closest friends. I miss sitting next to you before the show begins and just be there. Together. I miss seeing you laughing at my jokes. I miss being around you. 

I know I can never give to you what we thought we had for one short vanishing moment. And I loved that one moment. And I love you. In a very complicated way. More than a friend but not enough.

But what I can give to you is my friendship. I can give to you what we had before if you still want it. And if this is the end I can tell you that you gave me something.

You gave me memories that I will treasure a lifetime. Memories full of joy and a few full of tears. Never tell anyone that I've cried. Please... 

But that's all you gave to me and it really makes me happy that you are my friend. Or were. I hope you thought like that once as well. 

Hope to see you soon

Blake