Letters to our Past #Wattys2016

15.March. 2013

Letter four is followed by an entry from my diary. It's dated to the 15th March 2013, the day we had our dress rehearsal.

Dear Diary

Something has changed. I would like to say I haven't seen it coming but I have a feeling that is a lie. I think I just didn't want to see it.

Each day after school we keep texting each other and talk about our future. It just feels so easy talking to him. But there is an intimacy that feels unfamiliar. I want to tell him about every thought that crosses my mind. I want him to see what my life outside of our high school is like. The weekends feel like forever and I miss him as soon I am home from rehearsal. If I think about the few weeks without drama club I feel like someone rips out a big part of my heart, leaving me anxious and out of breath. 

Whenever I fall asleep he's my last thought and he even is part of my dreams. Is that love?

Lisa claims it to be and I guess I should believe her since she and Andrew have been together for more than one year. But I am just not so sure about it. 

Blake still talks about the girls he fancies and I try my best to give him tips about how to impress them. And when they are not interested I comfort him. I tell him that he is funny and handsome and that they will regret their decisions. 

And even though what I say is true I don't think I could ever be with him. I love how he always speaks his mind, how he makes compliments in his dorky and clumsy way no one else would take as one. I love his smile and his charm. Since we've met I haven't met a single person who doesn't like Blake. I have no idea how that is possible but I admire him so much for this. He is sweet and funny. And I should say there is nothing about him not to like. Because that is the truth.

But somehow it's not. While I admire how he never seems to fear any consequences and just does what he feels like doing, I hate it at the same time. I don't like him smoking weed and drinking each weekend. I don't like that he has no plans and never seems to put any efforts in his grades. 

I know we are just 17 and supposed to enjoy our lives but how could I be with someone who doesn't really care about tomorrow and therefore wouldn't care about a possible future we could have together?

You see diary something has changed. I can not deny it. But I don't want the situation to change because we would never work out. We would be a terrible couple. 

But he's ruining it. While I try my best to keep my distance he just does what he feels like without even thinking one second about the consequences.

It has come so far that he has kissed me!

Out of nowhere and in the most unromantic moment possible.

I was sitting in the dressing room and Maya was doing my hair. I had just put on my red lipstick and went outside to get some fresh air. Suddenly he stood in front of me. And before I even realized what was about to happen I heard a stunned "wow" followed by a big smacker on my mouth. And that was it. The others were walking past not even ten meters behind us and we could have easily been seen. "What the heck are you doing?" 

"I am sorry but I just couldn't keep myself from doing it. You look so beautiful. And what does this one old song say? Red lips should be kissed! C'mon Lil you know I've wanted to do this for a long time... I thought you would want this as well?" I was furious. "But not like this! Not surrounded by people who could see us! Not in a rush on your way to the dressing room right after your smoking break! Do you think that is romantic? Do you think that's what our first kiss is supposed to look like?" I think I have never seen him so sheepish. For the first time since we've known each other he seemed to really think about what he just had done. "I... I am sorry Lil. I didn't think about it. I just felt this urge to do it." "I could see that." I swear my voice sounded so cool I started to shiver. Then I just walked away.