Part Four
I freely took a deep sigh kasabay rin ng pagpatak ng luha ko. Buti nalang at mag isa ako ngayon sa roof top.
"Letse."
I cursed in between my dramatic acts. I do really hate this weak side of mine.
Tinuro ko ang kanang dibdib ko.
"Sabi mo, naka move on ka na... sabi mo, okay ka na... Hindi pa rin ba?"
I slowly closed my eyes at binalikan ang nakaraan pilit ko nang binaon sa limot.
Three years ago
I saw him with his racer car. He was smiling at the girl on the driver's seat. I was hiding on the shade of the tree and keep on staring at them. They're so happy talking with each other. I bitterly smiled. Why am I hiding? He's okay without me, I should be too. Pero itong puso kong traydor ay hindi pa rin lubos na tanggap na wala na talagang kami.
"Umiiyak ka pa, e kasalanan mo pa naman. Diba hiniwalayan mo nga?" I scolded at myself silently
But then, he was about to give up inunahan ko lang o pwede ring sabihin na pinadali ko lang para hindi na siya mahirapan pa.
Three months, three fucking months we are the best of both worlds. He is my all, my world not until that heartbreaking night.
It was his birthday. All his friends are here, I was here. Her twin sister, Khim, is looking for Keith. So, I offered to find my boyfriend in behalf of her.
Nasa harapan ako ng malalaking puno ngayon. I am not eavesdropping, it just that it happens accidentally. Nakikita ko si Keith na hawak hawak ang kamay ng isang babae. She got the body, better than mine. She's tall as me but her complexion is more appealing.
But what's with the comparing? Wala namang mali 'di ba? They're just seriously talking. They're just confidentialy talking na kailangan talaga na sila lang dapat dalawa ang mag uusap. Not in the front of the crowd but here in this silent and peaceful place.
"Dumating ka na nong isang buwan... yet you never told me. What do you expect me to react then?"
Napahawak ako sa katawan ng puno nang maramdaman ko ang galit sa tono ng tanong ni Keith sa babae.
She is now holding his sleeves at walang pakealam na masisira na ang make up nito sa kakaiyak.
What the hell is up to them?
Do I have no right to come closer?
I don't feel the beating of my heart at this moment. Parang nilamon ng engkanto ang puso ko at naging manhid ang katawan ko.
I don't even feel hurt of what I saw. This one is absolutely cheating, right?
"Why, Jes? Am I not worth the wait?"
Napatingin ulit ako sa lalaking mahal na mahal ko. He looked at the girl like nobody is around, like he is only seeing her, siya lang at wala nang iba pa.
Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko dahil sa hindi ko na mapigilan ang hikbi ko. Hindi ko alam kong bakit nanatili pa rin akong nakatayo dito. I should have to run away from this pain but my heart chose not to. I truly deserve a standing ovation of applause. Ako na ang dakilang manhid at... martir.
"Kei... Alam mo namang I have no choice but to go with my parents in Seoul."
"But I told you right away to wait me for an hour! Did you? Wala! Iniwanan mo ako para na akong mabaliw dahil hindi ko alam kong makikita pa ba kita o..."
"I can't decide on my own that time. Pero ngayon Kei, you all have me. Please, let's continue what we have last past years..."
Hindi kumibo si Keith, nanatiling nakatitig ang mga mata niya sa babae.
So, all this time he was taken by someone?
All this time he was secretly hoping that soonest will be the continuation of their undone love fantasy?
Unti unti akong humakbang palayo sa kanila. Ginagawa ko na sana ito kanina pa to lesser the pain. Pero ngayon ko lang napatanto na masakit pala tingnan ito. This is entirely hurting me in any way. Physically and emotionally wrecked na 'ata ako.
Tumakbo ako palayo at umalis sa venue ng party. Hindi ako nababay sa lugar na iyon. And I can't afford to ruin his night.
The next day, I found myself standing in front of the guy I love the most, giving his freedom back. I know that letting him go is one of painful things to do and probably the right thing to do, there's no doubt for that. There's no reason to hold back, to fight back... because in the first place I alrealy lost the battle.
Or was I the only one who's fighting?
"I'm sorry, Keith. I feel out of love. Hindi ko na gustong ipatuloy 'to kasi... it would be unfair to you."
Nanatili siyang nakatingin sa akin. Pilit naman akong umiwas sa titig niya. No, don't look at me like that. You're making it real hard for me.
"Sorry."
And that's the last word I heard from him before I left.
Behind my thoughts, I know what that sorry for.
He's sorry because he can't fight to save us from falling apart.
He's sorry because he can't find a reason to hold me.
And now I am looking at them. They're good since I left. They indeed continue their story. I feel sorry for myself. This isn't a good view. Since then, I kept myself busy and away from the news about them.
I harshly wipe my tears away. Tatlong taon na ang nakaraan pero parang walang pagbabago ang sakit na naramdaman ko.
As it happened days back, it still hurts as hell.
