Suicide (5sos)

3..Really..

(April=A Ashton=As Luke =L and so on)

A:Really?

As:yes

And with that i got scared and ended the call, nothing can stop me from what i always wanted to do. End it . I have been suicidal for almost 5 years. Yes i might have a rich father and mother but that my life is all rainbows and flowers.

I got badly bullied in school and till this day i still think im worthless and pathetic. ( im laughing bcs when i was told the meaning of pathetic and i went to my bff and called her pathetic as a joke)

Those words where just always carved on my left wrist. Not on my right hand because im right handed which if i started writing you would see my scars. No not scars battle wounds. A battle i will never win.

I was always hiding in the fandom where my secrets where never considerd somthing i do for attention.

I fall back on my bed looking at the tally marks on my walls i rememberd my mom once asking are those your decore and with i anwserd yes but little did she know they have a dark meaning. i started cutting 1,801 days ago. 24 days until i actualy will reach 5 years and my final day of life.

Still hearing Ashton trying to call me on skype but whats the point who cares about a suicidal teenager.

Even my parents saw me cut myself and told me im wortless ,later they might have said they didnt mean it but if you spill a drink all you can do is wipe it down but you cant rewind everything.

My 4 year younger brother runs into the room saying dinners ready. He says it like i will eat more than just a few bites. He knows i cut which made me hate myself even more. Everyone know in this house but they dont stop me because they know i want it more than  love or friendship.

I walk down the long staircase looking at all the pictures on the wals. Some of mr on Acro competiotions, or tae-kwon-do (i did tae-kwon-do for a year but gave up because i would always get kicked in the stomach or hurt my ankle so bad i wouldnt be able to walk on it but keep reading)

But theres a picture that always caught my eye. Me hugging 5sos, my mom took it the signing because she said i looked so happy and exited. I did feel happy and exited but i also felt empty and insecure, insecure about the way they taught about me ugly, useless or pathetic?

Till this day its a question that wont be answerd. All the girl around were looking at me like we were enemies for ever. The fandom can be eitherreally loving or really mean. The fandom on twitter and instergram are loving and understanding but if you see a certain fangirl on the street she can be so hateful you will be laying on the floor bleeding and coverd in bruises.

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will i continue this story? ahh fuck that i love writing this so ill keep it going unless its shit and really offensive than ill cahnge it completly

-peach