Bliss

Chapter 10: Regrets

Matt's POV:

School is over in a week and I've been staying with Chris for about a month now. I visit Dom almost everyday, but we haven't talked about us. It's like we're both pretending that it didn't happen. I wish that I could work up the nerve to just ask him out already, but it doesn't matter anyway. He would say no. We have talked about relationships in general and apparently he doesn't want to be with anyone. I was hurt when he said it, but I understood. He's afraid to get too close to someone because... he's thinking that the worst will happen... He has no faith in himself, no matter what I tell him. But what makes it worse is the fact that he isn't getting any better; and that scares me.

I'm packing my bag just as there's a knock the front door. I walk to the door and open it. It's Paul, just as I'd expected.

"You're early," I sigh, heading back into Chris's room to finish packing.

"Deal with it," he says, leaning against the door frame. Paul was able to get his own apartment for the summer and he asked if I wanted to move in with him until mom and dad get everything settled. I pick up my bags and Paul grabs my guitar for me. I look around the room, making sure that I'm not forgetting anything. 

We leave the flat and load my stuff into Paul's car. I slide into the passenger seat and put my earbuds in. I do what I always do when I have no idea what to listen to; put my phone on shuffle. The first song that comes on is Karma Police by Radiohead. I close my eyes as we make our way to Paul's new place. Living with Chris was fun at times, but I got sick of it very quickly. He has a very... interesting way of life. 

We arrive at Paul's apartment and he quickly shows me around. It's small, but nice. I toss my bags in the corner.

"I'm gonna go visit Dom," I say, walking out the door and closing it behind me before Paul can respond.

Dom's POV:

I feel absolutely awful. I shattered Matt's heart. I could see it in his eyes that I hurt him when I said that I didn't want to be in a relationship. I love him, but I don't want to hurt him. I guess that it's too late now though. I've crushed him. He would never go out with me after what I did to him. I regret what I said and I wish that I could take it back. We've been pretending that nothing happened for weeks and it's terrible. There's always tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. And I always have to force myself to not kiss him. It's tough because someone like him can be addictive. Sometimes all I can think about is how his soft lips felt against my own... How his hands felt against my skin... I need to tell him that I want to be with him... But... I just don't want to hurt him...

Today has just been fan-fucking-tastic. Another one of my chemo side effects has decided to show up so I spent half the morning vomiting and dry heaving. Not to mention my nose bleeds have gotten worse too. All I want to do is sleep. I just don't care about doing anything productive anymore. It just seems pointless. I'm always tired anyway...

I wake up and see Matt sitting next to my bed, propping himself up with his forearms against his thighs. His head down and eyes closed... How long has he been waiting for?

"Matt?" I groan as I slowly sit up, wincing at how sore I am. 

"Hey," he mumbles, keeping his head down.

"Matthew I'm so sorry," I say, my voice breaking. 

"What?" he asks, looking up at me and raising an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because of what I said," I manage to choke out. "I hurt you when I was only trying to protect you." I can feel my eyes start to water. "I care about you, Matt. I really do. I regret what I said about not wanting to be in a relationship. I wish that I could be with you, but I'm afraid that I'm-"

"Stop saying shit like that!" he shouts. I jump slightly at his sudden intensity. "You're not getting any better because you don't think that you will! Why can't you just believe in yourself!?"

"Because no one believes in me!" I snap back, my voice cold and harsh. Matt just looks at me, his mouth slightly ajar and his eyes... He looks as if he's hurt by my words- again.

"I believe in you," he says, his voice breaking slightly. "You know what? I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love you, Dominic. And hearing you talk about how you're so certain that you're going to die? It's killing me too!"

I'm speechless. What the hell does he mean? It's killing him too? "Matt I-"

"Please just don't say anything," he chokes out, wiping his eyes. "Look, I'm sorry for yelling at you. It's just that I really hate it when you think like that. To be honest, I don't know what I'd do if you... if you..."

"If I died," I mumble, looking down.

"Yeah..." Matt gets out of his chair and sits down next to me on the bed. It's tight for space, but I don't care. "If you don't want to be in a relationship until you're better, I understand." He puts his arms around me and I don't hesitate to do the same.

"Thank you," I say as tears start to form in my eyes again. He leans back and motions for me to lie with him. I lie down on my side and place my head on his chest. 

His heartbeat is steady and soothing...