Her, Saving Grace

45

Catherine

"You never talked to me that way before." Running his fingers through his hair, he started walking my way. I willed myself to stay at where I was standing and waited for him. Unlike the last time I saw him, in the arms of another man, he looked like he got himself put together this time.

"I would have asked you on how you're doing if you didn't make that commentary about the people I socialize with." He raised an eyebrow and looked at me from head to toe.

"Socialize you say? Have you been really? Or have you been doing more than mingle?" He raised a hand, perhaps to touch my face but I took a step back.

"What I do with my time is none of your concern. Never was, never will."

"I was the only one you had. You barely communicate with your family. And the only friend you have is screwing your sister behind your back." Chuckling, he leaned on the brick wall serving as the apartment's fence and waited for my reaction.

"I never had you. You, of all people, should know that." My reply was quiet but from the way his jaw tightened, I know he heard.

"You had me, Catherine. You just didn't give me all of you. That's what relationships are for. You give." I tried keeping a straight face, but I couldn't help it. It was my turn to laugh.

"Oh, Glen." Wiping a fake tear from the corner of my eye, I met his gaze. "See, even if I just read romance novels all day, I do know one thing; it's not just about the fandango. You can't just cha-cha your way to my pants and be mad at me for saying no. You weren't even asking. You were demanding. A little desperate if you ask me."

The redness of his ears were more evident as seconds of silence passed between us. I don't know if it was because of anger, or embarassment.

"I loved you." He sighed, giving up the arrogant act he put up.

"Not really." I smiled bitterly, shaking my head. "You loved the thought of having someone - how did you put it? Ah, yes. Proper. Someone who wouldn't embarass you in front of people. You wanted a woman, Glen. The problem is, you didn't know how to treat me like one."

"You're just making me feel guilty for leaving you." He murmured, his hands balling into fists.

"I left you. This - " A little afraid, I waved a hand as if the situation was a person in between us. "isn't what you call a healthy relationship. Or an ex-relationship for that matter. It's been months, Glen. What do you want from me?"

Looking around, I could see his nose flaring. Well now I know he's angry. "I. Don't. Know. I can't sleep at night and you're always in my head."

Sighing, I raised a hand and gently placed it on his cheek. "I believe that is what you call guilt."

And a little something that requires attention from a professional.

"I don't deserve this. I don't have to feel guilty for...for..." His voice faded as he tried getting the words out.

"Cheating on me? Treating me like a trophy? What? Tell me." Wow. Now that I actually said the thoughts running through my head the night we broke up, it kind of hurts a little. Not because I still have feelings for him. God knows that isn't the reason. And to be completely honest, I don't think I ever had feelings for him either. Or the other two lucky guys before him.

I just realized that I was being a hypocrite. I mentioned him using me as a trophy, when unconciously, I was doing the same thing. We were both trying to fit into society's standards on what to have and what not have that we ignored the obvious reason why people get into a relationship in the first place; not entirely love, but understanding.