the relationship is over, but the memories i chose to share are kinda cute i guess.
♡all things in this "Story" are real things that have happened to me, please if you want to use this for "inspiration" give credit♡
okay, so, we kissed. I know it seems so weird because just the other day I was extremely worried about it not being normal do us to have been together for almost two months and not have kissed, and I know that I'm still struggling and very anxious about it because I can only overthink about how he feels I did during our kiss. but that is none of my concern because we kissed and now I'm super excited because I love him so much and we've kissed and I just, ugh!!!
okay. so. we had a drill meet for colorguard today and we were on the bus on the way to the meet, and I felt as though either I was making my boyfriend upset or something else was; but I was determined to find out. so during this 1hr+ drive to the place to compete at, I tried as best as I could to get him to cheer up or at least smile for me. I cuddled up on him, kissed his face, held his hand; but to no avail. he was still either extremely pissed off or upset about something.
that something just happened to be the fact that I had texted him and told him that I was "totally okay" with us kissin, but then later that same day told him I was uncomfortable.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
now, before you say anything to me about how "bipolar" I am or how much I brought up his hopes just to crush them; trust me. I felt like shit because I wouldn't let him kiss me. pre-meditated intimacy/PDA freaks me out because if it's pre-planned it gives me more time to overthink the thing and freak out because of it.
now, please understand that I have anxiety and that mental illness of mine literally controls my life. I've been working diligently on pushing past it, but in all honesty I'm just a puny child trying to push through a team of pro football players (American football). and so every time I make one or two steps forward in progress, either socially, mentally, or physically; I always end up being thrown a hundred feet back. I don't regret waiting, because if it would have been any different; I would have died probably. (the "it" I'm referring to is kissing him/him kissing me).
now on to the good stuffs. I remember sitting on the bus on the way to the competition and I managed to get him to talk to me, but he wanted to only talk about why I wouldn't let him kiss me. it's perfectly reasonable seeing as I did disappoint him by not letting him perform this act. anyways I told him this morning that "I just can't" and that was partially true, the other part that I didn't tell him was that I had been sitting alone In my bedroom thinking of how to approach and kiss him without messing it up. plus I didn't know what to so because this is his first kiss and I've only ever been kissed by experienced people, so you can see my dilemma.
anyways, he accept the fact that my anxiety flows and fluctuates between "yes" and "no" all the time and we moved on. we competed, placed in nothing because this military school was there, had fun, and earned our drill ropes. on the bus ride home, he was laying on me trying to go to sleep and my friend Shelby looked at me and mouthed "you can do it. I know you can" I mouthed back to her "I'm not so sure" and decided to quickly think about whether or not I was comfortable doing it at this point and time. I looked down and this beauty of a boy who I had my arms around and realized: yes I did want to kiss him.
so I kinda shook him awake, and mouthed the words "you can kiss me, if you'd like" to him. he sat up immediately and got super nervous and excited and just made my heart so warm. and well, we just kissed. and then kissed again and again; and it was almost as if the kiss made us feel more comfortable around each other.
that is my fantastical experience with kissing my boyfriend, ya'll. hope you liked it 😋
