cute boyfriend rants

march 21, 2016

my life is a mess. so, yesterday was mine and my boyfriends two month anniversary. I was super excited about it, but turns out I had a doctors appointment that would take me out of school from 1st period to 4th (08:15-10:50) period. in my 5th (11:55-13:17) period I felt too anxious to even eat because I was still dealing with some left over anxiety from being at the doctors in 6th (13:22-14:12) period i was running around my school as part of the class's required Physical Traininghat happens on Mondays and Wednesday's.

IM GOING TO BE TELLING YOU OF MY ANXIETY ATTAK THAT HAPPENED TODAY. THIS IS YOUR TRIGGER WARNING.
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let me graciously walk you through my day. okay so I have a doctors visit, which basically made my day go from 100-0 realllllly fast. the doctor was nice but I had to get shots and the shots hurt and I'm scared of needles and it made me a little upset. I get through 4th period, I'm cool. I ate my sub and chilled out and did my test and I think I nailed it. I get into 5th and I started feeling really really REALLY upset, like I felt like my skin was being stabbed by little demons. so I started itching it and little did I know I was slowly building my anxiety up layer by layer. I get to 6th period and that's when it goes bad. I get hyped for running. I'm good to go, shiana is my battle (meaning my partner) for the run and we took it at a good pace. that is until I get to the middle of my second lap I had issues breathing but I pushed though. I start my third lap after having a hit off of Shiana's inhaler and 1sgt started yelling at me. honestly that's what made it worse. when 1sgt yelled at me and said that I wasn't doing my best it made me upset. I started to jog again and by the time I got to middle of that lap I was feeling too anxious to run. shiana made me stop, I had told her my usual saying when people tell me to stop which is: "I can't afford to stop". but I stopped and I started mildly freaking out. she calmed me down and forced me to answer her questions. just basic simple questions that made me feel grounded and remember where I was and junk. shiana made sure people weren't stopping to ask me questions that may set me off and somehow word had gotten back to Sgt. Simmons about my anxiety. we ended up standing there to calm me down for like 5 - 8 minutes and it was to the point that everyone had collected themselves at the door and was stretching. we were walking back and Sgt came up to us and shiana said "it's her anxiety". Sgt said "oh I hadn't known she was one of those students of mine". and I was feeling overwhelmed and I started breathing heavy and crying and Sgt made me look at him. we walked back and I was thirsty and in need of water so I didn't stretch after I ran so I can get a drink. I was like sobbing while drinking my water and shiana and I went into the second classroom to kinda try to chill me out. we stayed in the second classroom for break (14:12-14:22) and Sgt asked us who our seventh period teachers were. we didn't think to move out of the second classroom but when everyone decided to be assholes and be loud as fuck while walking through there it set me off again. (are you keeping track??? this is set off/ anxiety attack number 3). I calmed down after that but when about 14:45 came around I had another set off because I was so worried that people would see me and pity me and see how weak I was. when the school day ended at 15:12 I had another set off bc my boyfriend was texting me and I was hella scared that I had made him mad. then around 15:38 we were going to walk back to the second classroom from the office and we figured that everyone was in the first classroom so we went to walk through the hallway. bad idea. seeing everyone in the hallway staring at me set me off again. (counting still??? that's 6 anxiety triggers/attacks). that was my final one. and it didn't end until around 16:00.

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THAT IS THE END OF MY ANXIETY ATTACK PLEASE DONT FEEL OBLIGATED TO SEND ME CONSOLATIONS. IF YOU GENUINELY WANT TO LET ME KNOW YOU CARE PLEASE DO BUT THIS ISNT A CRY FOR ATTENTION. THIS IS A PLACE FOR ME TO HAVE A DIGITAL "DIARY" OF SORTS. NOTE THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS HERE IS PERSONAL AND MEANS A LOT TO ME.

sorry for yelling. I love you all and I needed to post about my anxiety attack to others or eve just to have it dated and there so I can look back on it and analyze it. thanks for reading, ily ❤️