Where the Stars Fall

29| Challenges ahead

I'VE HAD SOME PRETTY miserable days before, but nothing compares to the gaping hole that's just been opened in my chest this afternoon.

In a span of – how long? Ten, fifteen devastating minutes? – my whole world just came crashing down, making this the absolute worst day of my life.

I look up and my body tenses. The reflected image I find in the mirror as I unbutton my shirt is one of a lost boy. You can see it in his empty eyes, in the sad expression of muted pain spread over his face.

Olivia helps me strip it off and I feel the warmth of her face against my back. But neither of us speaks. We don't need to. Silence always has this ability to convey what no words could possibly say.

In a mechanical motion, I step into the shower and let the hot water cascade over me. For a long time. I don't know how long, I've lost track of it.

For a moment I even let myself be taken by the illusion this is nothing but a bad dream, from which I desperately want to awaken. Except I know it is not, and the realisation of it is absolutely overwhelming. It's wrecking me, ripping me apart from the inside.

Eventually, the wave of emotion I've been trying to keep under control since we left my sister's house, this evening, explodes in my chest and I break down. I cry. I cry like I've never cried in my entire life.

I tilt my head up, letting the water run over my head and down my face to wash the tears and ease the pain away. Drawing a deep breath, I can only hope the steam that fills the air enters my lungs and cleanses my mind...

After a long while, I feel my muscles relaxing at last. The feeling of utter desperation seems to be slowly subsiding as some inner strength coming from somewhere deep inside reassures me that I'll get through this.

Exactly as I was asked to.

As this tentative alleviation settles in, I lean against the wall for support and let it play all over again in my head. They say it's cathartic, that it helps you exorcise the pain. That it's like that small portion of poison you inoculate to make you stronger and resilient to the bigger threat when it arrives. Hopefully, they're right and I'll be strong enough to face the challenges ahead of me.

*

"DAAADDY! Josh stole my cockporn!" Emma wailed, earlier today, her piercing cry emerging from the lively chatter and laughter in the background like a blow straight into our ears.

Half of the room looked at her and laughed, the other half looked at Josh, who was already on the run, teasing her, sticking his tongue out.

But then Emma began to stamp her feet furiously, her little hands clutching the hem of her dress, her face flooded with tears, her high-pitched voice again at ear-shattering levels.

"Come here, princess." My father came to her rescue and held her, suspending her over the table, so that she could hold the whole bowl of popcorn. "Take it, now it's all ours! Let's just share with Uncle Brian, because he's such a jolly ugly chap and I need to talk to him."

Emma nodded in between sobs and my father sat next to me, on the sofa, where he tugged her closer into his lap and stole a handful of popcorn.

She frowned. "Grandpa!"

He put a silly face, like a little boy who just got caught doing something wrong, and she giggled.

"How's the Jefferson project going?" he eventually asked me.

"Smoothly. We're having a meeting this Wednesday, just to settle a couple of minor design modifications and some specifications too. Don't worry, I've got it all covered."