Where the Stars Fall

35 | Leap of faith

'Dear Brian,

Either give up on us or still be here in the morning, when you return, to talk and work things out – these are my options, right?

The truth is that I don't know what to do. Leaving doesn't feel the right thing, but I can't stay either. All I know is that I love you, but I'm also too afraid to go into this downward spiral of hurt and mistrust again.

You're right, we should always leave the past where it belongs and not judge people based on our own bad experiences, letting anger cloud our judgement.

That's why I need some time apart. A breather to focus on myself, to clarify my feelings, to evaluate us. I'm not saying I want us to go our separate ways, at least not right now. I'm just saying I need some space, time to work things out on my own.

Please try to understand and let me be for a little while, will you?

Liv xo'

* *

LET HER BE.

It had me going stir-crazy. I'm near insane, about to go into crisis mode, but that's what I've been trying to do all this time – let her be.

I've been reading the note she left me that morning every day, every single day during these past three weeks, already know each and every single line by heart, always wondering if that would be the day we'd get to the end of the long winding road we're in.

But it never was. Days and nights went slowly by and no sign of her. All I was left with was that letter and a brief sense of hope that quickly turned into bitter doubt. And the only thing I could do was wait and wonder how long it'd take for her to decide if she was ready to come back or if it was time to strike the final blow.

And now she's finally here, only a few feet away, and I can barely control the shock of adrenaline that hit my system like an explosion. I sure wasn't expecting to see her today. Knowing the time has come, that I'm going to find out about her decision is almost unsupportable.

"Brian?" A soft voice calls me from the kitchen door.

It's her, walking towards me with slow, hesitant steps, on her face a nervous smile and an expression I wish I could read.

"Liv." I force a smile too.

"How are you?" Her words are barely audible.

I shrug, I truly don't know. "You? How are you doing?"

She comes closer and I play my part. I pretend I'm a random acquaintance or someone she's just met and give her a loose hug.

But when I try to pull back, her eyes are boring into mine and her palms are pressing into my chest, which aches inside from this urge to pull her even closer and gather her in my arms.

Reaching up on her toes, she gives me a long soft kiss on my cheek. And I don't know what it means; I'm lost and confused, and it hurts again. It hurts like hell.

"Jimmy's just picked me from the airport. Oh boy, I can hardly believe it myself, that I'm actually moving here." A shy little smile seems to brighten up her face. "I'm so excited."

And she's nervous too. Her words have come out in a rush and she's fidgeting with the tip of her scarf, twirling it between her fingers.

"You are?" I try to sound natural and unaffected.

A wave of relief washes over me, though I don't quite know what that's supposed to mean. It's not that moving to London wasn't in her plans already before us, so it could mean nothing.

"Yes. It seems I'm sticking to the plan..."

I feel like asking her about all the other plans we made, but I swallow it hard and try to maintain it casual.