Thus Far... (Poetry Collection)

Some Sort of Feeling

When did you realize you loved me?
Was it when we spent countless nights at your house?
Or the time we left on a bus in the middle of the school day?
Was it when we walked to Starbucks and you picked me a tiny purple flower and we talked like we were the only two people in the world?
When we were both too scared to say we wanted to kiss each other, but we both knew that we did? 

I know when I fell in love with you.
It wasn't an exact moment, per se, but it shook my world to the ground, as I realized what loving someone truly meant.
I mean, I guess you just know, don't you?
You're always saying you love someone when you're with them, but then you meet that one person and you realize you've never loved anyone before that moment. Everything fades away, except for them.
Or maybe you don't know. 

I've always been the more intense of the two of us, but I don't underestimate your capacity to love and feel.
When you tried to pretend you were fine, other people believed you, but I didn't.
I knew you were scared of emotions and you pretended to hate me sometimes so that you could stop feeling so much.
Our relationship was always a lot.
Your emotions were always scary to you.
Whatever we are, has always been more than we can put into words.
I guess I agree that it's scary. 

The first time you left, I would listen to sad music to try and make myself feel better.
That's when I found A Part of Me by Neck Deep.
No song has ever described how I felt about you, except for that.
And when we sat together in Washington and listened to them sing it live, I wished that I didn't have to be a girl, at least for that moment.
You wouldn't dare hold my hand in front of your friend.
I knew that.
It was still one of the best days of my life. 

When did you realize you loved me?
I realize I love you over and over every time I realize that you're gone and I fucked up.
I realize it every time that something reminds me of you.
Every time I dream of you, or think of you.
Sometimes I think if I believe it hard enough, you'll come back and you'll love me just as hard as you did before I ruined everything

Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm just optimistic.
Either way I miss you more than I've ever missed anything.