51 Shades of Mumu

Chapter 26

    It was like Hyundai's kiss all over again. I vehemently tried to pull away and leave with whatever dignity I had left. Unfortunately, I believed this was Harry's first (and possibly last) kiss… and he refused to let go. Those noodle arms had morphed into ropes and chains, binding me to the boy I once loved. I began to envision myself in one of those horrifying bondage scenes from my sister's pornos; this only made my desire to escape even stronger.

    "GET OFF HIM GET OFF HIM GET OFF HIM!" Mrs. Berger wailed, slapping my head and shoulders while I flailed to no avail. 

    Harry finally gave up and shoved me off. "MOM!" he shouted. "What's wrong with you?!"

    "Darling, baby, Harold. Are you okay?" She went about kissing his cheeks and checking his hands, eyes, and ears as if he were at the doctor's. 

    "What the flapjacks, Mom? Couldn't you see that we were busy?" 

    I spectated, amused, as Harry turned a bright red and labored to make the situation tolerable. Mrs. Pitt-Berger, on the other hand, was not ready to call it quits. "Explain this NOW!" thundered my normally reserved music teacher. "I don't care if she's still here, Harold. Tell me what's going on. Tell Mommy. Please."

    "I-I-I'm fourteen, Mom. I love all my Yu Gi Oh brothers, but I need a girl––"

    "STOP! YOU DO NOT NEED A GIRLFRIEND AT THIS TENDER AGE! Go sit in your room. We have a lot of talking to do."

    No. No no nonononoooooo. She was going to shower her wrath on me now. I could just feel it. At any second, I would feel tens of thousands of dollars worth of Steinway and Sons piano pounding over my skull and pressing me to a dust finer than Benny's crushed Trippy Skippy Kix.

    I inched towards the bright foyer, eager to escape while my teacher's back was turned and she was still fuming.

    Just a few more steps. Three. Two. O––

    "MUMU BOUTIETTE! Don't you dare step out that door!"

    I turned, but didn't dare walk back to the music room. God knows what she would do if we were within a few feet of each other.

    "What do you have to say for yourself?"

    "Um…"

    "How dare you lie to me about piano lessons and try to sex up my baby? Mumu, you are a student at Hempstead High School, where we strive for excellence and purity in each and every aspect of life. That is the school motto, Mumu. And you are one very bright student. I would expect you of all people to know and practice that principle with fury and gusto!"

    All I heard was, "Blah blah blah blah Harry is hotter than my dad's curry blah blah blah BennyChasedrugs blah Lydia's a murderer blah blah blah."

    "Are you listening to me?" blared Armpit-Berger.

    One. More. Step.

    That was all it took to have my back pressed against the door and my hand on the knob. Mrs. Berger was too blinded by her rage to even notice my slight movements. One swift twistswirlpush and I was outside and running home in the cool spring air. Freedom.

*

    A few hours later, I was lounging on a chaise in the back yard, trying my level best not to burst into tears at yet another failed love. It had only been a short while, but it felt as if my connection with Harry was like none other. He understood me. He listened when I spoke. He did that sexy thing where he shuffled his ever-present Yu Gi Oh deck and recited the characters from memory. And then there were the tushie-lips. I hated to admit it, but those sucking machines were a million times finer than Hyundai's. It was like planting your lips straight up onto a nice succulent butt.