My Midnight Journal

8/12/13- Nothing But Fury, Edginess, Schizo

August 12th, 2013

I was forced down the shore. hated every minute of it. The only reason I actually went was to go on the Ferris Wheel and the 'Swing' ride. And guess what? My family wouldn't let me go on because I couldn't take my stupid half-sister on them. I refused to go in the water at the water park. You can guess why I didn't want to put a bathing suit on. My grandparents had just found out about the cutting the night before, but my mum had known for months. She told me if she ever saw them again, she'd commit me! The bitch. So I stood my ground and wouldn't change into my swimming costume. Everyone kept bagging on me to come in, mainly my mother. My grandparents knew why I didn't want to, but you know what? They took my mum's side and made me go in. I had to go in with my favorite shirt on. It got soaked and held to me like a friggin' second skin. I felt like a drowned rat.

I hate my life so much. So listen to why my grandparents found out when they were the last people I would want to know:

I tried to kill myself again; I admit it, and to be honest still want to right now, but I'm afraid to try with everyone breathing down my neck. So, I made the mistake of not answering one of my stupid friend's texts and she ratted me to my teacher. So get this, my teacher CALLED MY HOUSE, asked for me, and told me that this stupid friend ran straight to her. So after talking to her for, like, an hour maybe she took down my aunt's phone number and told me she was going to call her and tell her I was 'struggling'. During the phone call I strained together enough lies and half-truths to get her to agree that she would just tell my aunt I relapsed and cut again, instead of telling her I had tried (yet again, multiple times to no avail) to kill myself. So my aunt rushed over and asked me if I wanted to go to a rehab or to hospital. I, naturally, denied that I was still having the urges. (I was actually just about to go cut and purge again right before my teacher had called.) She believed me but made me sit there in the living room as she told my grandparents that I have been cutting my self for the last six years of my life. I sat there with my face in my hands and cried as my great grandmother got angrier and angrier and my great grandfather got more and more disappointed and despaired. Oh god, my face was soaked with tears; I was so ashamed, scared, and angry. Ashamed of my weakness, and that I was showing it so openly, like a fool. Scared of what they would think, of what they would do. I was so scared I would be sent to hospital. And I was furious at that stupid friend that ruined my life for the second time with her big, god damned, tattle tale mouth.

Now they just ignore me. I can't say its pleasant, but it better than yelling or bursting into tears at the sight of me like that first night. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say, so I've been keeping to my room more than usual. I stopped purging because I've really stopped eating at all. I take 15 minute showers so I'm not in the bathroom more than half an hour. I spend about 22/24 hours in my room. I just sit here and sink inside of my own mind or read. I'm starting to get antsy after three days. However, I get a break tomorrow. I'm chaperoning my 3 and a half year old cousin to the Discovery Museum. That means about six or seven straight hours out of my room and away from the house, so I'm really looking forward to it.

On to another point in my life, my schizophrenia has been hard to battle as well. The hallucinations get even more vivid by the day, and they are becoming more and more frequent. I have gotten a little better at figuring out reality from imagination, but its getting worse. I still see and hear and feel these things around me that aren't really there, but sometimes its REALLY hard to figure out whether or not is was real. I might start another journal just about my schizophrenia, if you guys would read it. Some of them really scare me, and they set off my panic attacks a lot. Those ones hurt my mind.

Anyway, I'm really tired and want some water. I'll might update tomorrow after the trip. See ya!

Love Always,

Bo, A Fellow Fallen Angel

<3 <3 <3 </3 <3 <3 <3