My Haunting Thoughts

Thoughts.

When I go and tell my mother goodnight, I already know I'm not actually going to sleep.

Those thoughts that have tried to push through my mind all day? That wasn't their time. Now that it is 11pm they all start to come alive. So start to linger in my mind.

While I lay in my bed, the thoughts start to scream in my head. Telling me where I went wrong, and what I should have done.

Reminding me of who I've lost over the years and reminding me of all my regrets. After I hear my saddend mother pass my room, way late at night I start to remember everything shuddersome I've ever said to her.

Blaming her sorrow on myself. Remembering the horrid things my father did to us, remembering the very day he walked out. I start to think if it was my fault.

The verbal and physical abuse we all received. Did we deserve it? Our dazed, foolish minds never knowing the real truth of his behalf.

Now that the clock reads 1am, my mind has taken over. Wired. Alert. I can't sleep. Though the few good thoughts try to break though and get to me, they're too weak.

I tell myself that I'm okay and that I'll pull through all of this madness. But truly, deep inside I know I never will.

Every single day is a new obscure, monstrosity. Everything is constantly changing around me. It goes by so fast and never slows down even for a second.

So as I lay here awake at the late hours of night, I realize life is one big distraction. You have to have a strategy to play too, or you get nowhere and stop at a standstill until you find one.

To those I have let down, I'm deeply sorry.

Sorry for not being what you wanted. For not being the strong one when you needed me. For letting you down at the worst times. I'm sorry for not being enough.

There comes a time in life when all you wanna do is let go. Whether it is at the crack of dawn, or the late night hours. Everyone experiences that moment at one point of their life.

You must remember to find your strategy, or you'll be just like me. Laying in bed, wide awake at night. Fighting your demons off for just long enough to get some sleep and start all over again tomorrow night.