My Haunting Thoughts

Despare.

I'm sitting in a very quite room. Many lady's with their heads down. You see men in the room as well. Many sitting next to a sad lady. Their arm wrapped over her shoulder holding her close as all she wants to do is cry her heart out.

In the distance, every once in a while you hear faint noises of women throwing up. Everyone knows to stay quiet. You hear names being called for medication or for blood work.

I waited for hours. Sitting around, the youngest there. Looking at everyone's sad face. No one is disgusted. They all have the same look. Despare. No one wants to be in the seats. Most are terrified of what's to come. But, they know it's their only choice.

I hear my name and I hesitantly stand. Following the nurse down the steps to another room. Now its just the sad lady's I'm with. They all sit in chairs, getting their blood drawn. I take a seat, the lady beside me asks for a name from me. Buy for being too upset I stay quiet. Making a ball of my fist several times as the nurse collects the blood. I watch the blood fill into the vile as its like the last thing I'll ever see.

I'm unable to eat or drink for the next 24 hours, according to the doctor. He asked if I made this decision. If this is what I really want to do. I'm to weak for any other options. I head home. In the car with my mother is usually filled with my awful singing. Not this time.. Dead silence, the whole way home. As soon as the car is parked in our driveway I go inside and up the stairs to my room. Turning my phone off, not able to talk to anyone. Too upset to think.

I sleep the rest of the night off. Waking up early in the morning, by my mother. I take all jewelry off as well as makeup and nail polish. I get back into the car and once again head back to the hell hole. Its another quiet ride. Until my mom asked if I am scared. All I can do is stare out of my window. Watching the sad, sad world go by.

I head into the office when we get there. Hiding my face from the world in my jacket. They take my name at the desk and once again I sit in the sad quiet room. They call me up to the desk again for a medicine. Two pills. I'm hesitate to take them, they'll start everything. The first link in the chain reaction. I haven't drank anything in the last 24 hours. The water quickly refreshes my throat.

After taking my seat again, after some more time the pills have dissolved in my mouth. I get called back up and head my way to the same room as yesterday. They give me an ugly blue gown and blue hair cap to change into, in the bathroom. I walk back out, holding the gown shut in the back shamefully sitting amongst the other women.

One after one they all disappear, heading in for their procedures. I'm left with one last lady. She's young, but definitely not young like me. She completely opens up. Telling me she's scared just like me. When its her turn, we stand and hug, both in tears after explaing our story's to one another.

I sit all alone. Waiting for my turn, staring at the clock for what seems like hours. The nurse finally comes in and takes me back. I lie down and they prep me. They put the IV into my hand and tell me to count to 10... I'm asleep by the time I get to 3.

I wake up in a strange room. I look around, a little dizzy and in a whole lot of pain. It's over now.. I'll go back to being normal. No more morning sickness, no more pain.

This will become a whole new secret chapter in my life.. Filled with pain and despair.

4-4-15 💔🙏
I'm so sorry . . .