Adventures in Wonderland

Chapter 9

Finally In The Red Queen's Castle

McTwisp goes back to the other side of bushes where the Red Queen is. He fumbles as he tries to come up with a quick and believable lie for me. "It's a who, Your Majesty. This is... Um." The Queen looks skeptical. "Um?" Oh, crap this is bad! I have to think of something! I end up saying the first thing that comes to mind. "From Umbradge."

"What happened to your garments?"

"I outgrew them. I've been growing an awful lot lately. I tower over everyone in Umbradge. They laugh at me. So I've come to you, hoping you might understand what it's like." I make my eyes wide and innocent, but my voice strong. "My dear girl, anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court." Then she turns to her courtiers. "Someone find her some clothes! Use the draperies if you must, but clothes for this enormous girl!" Everyone starts rushing around trying to find me clothes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It feels disorienting to be this tall, towering over everyone. The dress they made was hastily put together but it covers me so it works. The Queen leads me down a large hallway to the throne room, with Footfrogs and courtiers following us. As we're walking I can see monkeys holding up tables and chairs with their arms and heads. Along with exhausted birds flap their wings to stay aloft with lamps hanging from their beaks.

We finally get to the throne room, and the Queen plops down on her ornate throne. Spider monkeys serve as the legs as they strain under her weight. She kicks off her shoes. "I need a pig here!" A small pig run over and slides down on his back beneath the Queen's feet. She puts her feet on his belly and sighs. "I love a warm pig belly for aching feet. Would you like one?" I smile falsely sweet at her. "No thank you." I look behind me as I hear rustling, only to see some monkeys holding a chair. "Sit... Sit!" She demands so I reluctantly sit, but try to keep as much of my weight off the monkeys. The Queen waves her hand at the courtiers. "Go away." They leave leave, but glare at me while doing so.

"Where are my fatboys? You must meet them! Fatboys!" The Queen yells. The Tweedles come in from a side door and my eyes widen at their condition; it's a good thing the Queen is looking at them and not me. They're bound together by handcuffs around their wrists and ankles. Their faces have been painted and powdered with hearts on their cheeks and red heart lips. Their eyes are lowered, defeated. "There they are! Aren't they adorable? And they have the oddest way of speaking. Speak boys. Amuse us." She kicks Tweedledum and it takes everything in me not to strangle her. "Speak!" She yells. Dum lifts his eyes and see me so he nudges Dee. "Is that being...?" I make sure the Queen is looking at the boys as I lift a finger up o my lips. Dee sees. "No, it isn't. Not a bit." But Dum didn't. "I believe it is so..." Dee steps on Dum's foot. "No! It ain't so! Nohow!" Dum pinches him and See pinches back. The Queen cackles nasally.

"I love my fatboys. Now get out." She waves her hand at them. They leave shoving and hitting each other, and I can't help but smile at this. But it quickly fades as a man, with large red what looks like scars over half of his face, walks in. The Queen holds her hand out and the man kisses it. "There you are, Stayne. Any luck with the prisoner?" The man -Stayne- stands up straight. "He's stubborn." The Queen rolls her eyes. "You're too soft. Bring him!" The knights go off to get the prisoner, who I'm guessing is Tarrent. Finally.

Stayne looks over at me and his eyes widen. "And who is this lovely creature?" He takes my hand and kisses it while I try not to pull away but instead smile politely. "Um. My new favorite."

"Does she have a name?"

"Um."

"Yes? Her name?" He's really not getting this. It's kinda sad. "It's Um!" The Queen yells. "I believe your name has slipped the Queen's mind." He's so creepy, and he won't stop staring at me. It's really uncomfortable. "Her name is UM, IDOIOT!" The Queen screams at him. "From Umbradge." I say calmly as I try to make the tension in the air disappear. "Ilosovic Stayne, at your service." He finally let's go of my my hand as the Knights come in with Tarrent. My eyes widen and I have to stifle a gasp as he falls to his knees. He's covered in cuts and bruises, and he has a black eye. His clothes are torn in random places and his eyes have this awful empty far-away look. All I want to do is hug him and tell him he'll be alright, that everything will be ok. I'm here to help get him out of here. But I can't, at least not in front of these people so I'll just sit here. For now.

The Queen pulls him up by his hair and my eye twitches. "We know Lily has returned to Underland. Do you know where she is?" Tarrent doesn't respond so the Queen claps her hands in front of his face. He jerks back to the moment, but he still hasn't noticed me. "I've been considering things that begin with the letter M: moron, mutiny, murder, malice..."

"We're looking for an L word now. Where is Lily?" Tarrent has a thoughtful expression but then seems to be arguing with himself before finally shrugging. "Who? That wee little boy? I wouldn't know." The Queen nods slowly then calmly says, "What if I take off your head, will you know then?" Tarrent laughs, but he's not stopping, he just keeps laughing louder and louder. "Stop that." The Queen orders and when he doesn't she slaps him. I growl low in my throat and thankfully no one hears it. Almost no one. Suddenly Tarrent turns to me and his laughter stops, and in that moment all I can think to do is wink at him. He smirks and turns back to the Queen, calm and charming. "My, what a regrettably large head you have. I should very much like to hat it."

"Hat it?" The Queen asks skeptically. "Yes, I used to hat the White Queen,you know, but there wasn't much for me work with, poor dear. Her head is so small." The Queen chuckles. "It's tiny. A pimple of a head." Tarrent takes a step closer to her and the guards raise their weapons. I'm amazed that he was able to come up with this plan so fast. "But this... What I could do with this, monument, this orb, nay, this mag magnificently heroic globe!" Honestly he's a better after than I thought he would be, I'm impressed. "What could you do?" Tarrent smiles and lifts his bound hands helplessly. "Unbind him, Stayne." When he doesn't she looks at him and begins to yell. "How can he work if his hands are bound!?" Stayne reluctantly pulls out his sword and swings it down through the middle of Tarrent's chains. My body tenses as the sword swings dangerously close to him.

He starts circling the Queen and everybody has their swords drawn. "Shall it be a bonnet or a boater, or something from the boudoir?" I frown as I already hear his voice become more manic. "A cloche,dunce hat, death cap, coif, snood, barboosh, or pugree, yarmulke, cockle-cock, bicorn, tricorn, bandeau, bongrace, fan-tail, night cap, garibaldi, fez..." By now he's circled around to the side of the Queen's throne that is closest to me. So I subtly jab him in side, and thankfully no one sees me. He jolts and comes back to the moment. "I'm fine. I'm fine." The Queen thinks for a minute. "Leave us." Tarrent smiles and turns to me and wink as he walks back around the Queen's throne.

Reluctantly I leave with Stayne following me. Anywhere I go he's right behind me. Always just a few steps behind me. I try to go around a corner, but before I can he grabs wounded arm. I let out a yelp in pain as he pushes me against the wall. "I like you, Um. I like them large." He starts to lean in. 'Oh hell no.' I kick him where the sun don't shine. "Get off me." I yell as I push him away. I sprint down the hall, getting away from him and looking from someone else.

~3rd Person POV~

Little did Lily or Stayne know, Lady Long Ears has seen everything. She had planned to the Red Queen as soon as possible. She was gonna make sure "Um" was no longer the Queen's favorite.