The Thoughts And Things That Go Through My Head

hating life

Have you ever been yelled at for simply speaking your mind? No..okay...well it's Fucking sucks. It hurts, and (to me at least) it feels like everything in my collapses in on itself at once and I can't breathe or talk or think or do anything really. And this isn't an exaggeration, it literally feels like I could collapse at any moment. But I put on a smile and act like I'm okay, alot of people might ask, "why do you put on a fake smile?" or "why don't you tell anyone you are hurting?" and the answer is... No one cares if I'm hurt. No one cares if I can't breathe because I'm having an anxiety/panic attack, no one cares that when people scream at me or just scream in general it makes me want to break down right then and there.

I feel as if I lost everyone..and it's my fault, and I know it's my fault, I just can't get myself to face the facts that it's my fault. Its my fault for pushing everyone away, it's my fault I don't listen, it's my fault I scream when I get upset, it's my fault I take my anger and sadness out on everyone else around me. I'm sorry I do these things, I truly, truly am. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Oh how many fights I would stop and how many people I would remove from my life completely, or maybe even remove myself from life itself. Who knows.

If you have ever been so angry that your vision got blurry and you started shaking than you understand where I come from somewhat because this has happened to me multiple times and it sucks because the only thing you can really do is 1) take it out on someone around you and hope they don't kill you in turn for beating them or 2) hold it in forever. I usually opt for option 2 just because it's easier to hold everything in than to try and hurt people. And those people do t deserve to be hurt by my anger and frustration, they didn't do anything. I hope you all cope with your anger and sadness in good ways.