aesthetic. (dan howell)

twenty seven

I couldn't bring myself to tell the boy I could've kept safe from loving me that I wanted to be home. I wanted to tell him, but I was trapped. I was trapped in the thought of his eyes tearing up when I left, when I said I didn't want to be there anymore.

Over the next week, both Simon and my sister Olivia had called twice each. And with each word they spoke, the more I wanted to be in their arms again. I missed them both, I missed the distinctive smell that my bedsheets had, I missed the quiet nights and quiet days or the quiet town I lived in. I missed everything, even the bad things. Like the cracks in my walls, the creaking noise that my studio apartment makes wen it settles, and the rings on my coffee table, left by sweating mugs of tea. No words could describe how I missed it. How I missed home.

I wiped my face, tears transferring from my cheeks to my fingertips. I felt my stomach tingle, the thought of getting up right then and there, and walking into his room to tell him making me feel like I was going to be sick. And that's what I did. I got sick.

      I ran to the bathroom, hunched over the toilet, and let it all out. All of it.

      Dan knocked on the door gently and asked if I was alright. I only answered with a groan, tears streaming down my face. The door creaked open, revealing a concerned, mortified face that looked down at me.

He asked again, "Are you okay?" I didn't answer once more. He knelt down next to me, and began rubbing circles into my back.

      I felt so guilty for wanting to leave, I guess it just all came up at once. I was so scared that he would be mad at me, or miserable after I left. But I also knew that if I stayed, then I wouldn't be happy. I would be living a lie to please someone else, and I would be the one that's miserable. But I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't just leave after all that I put him through.

~~

      "Olivia?" I croaked, my voice squeaking.

      "Rose? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I looked out the window, seeing nothing but darkness outside of the bathroom. I hushed myself, covering my mouth and trying to breathe. I leaned against the counter, quietly sobbing into my hand.

      "Rose?"

      "I don't know what to do, Olivia. I miss you guys so much. I don't know anyone here. I'm alone. But if I come home, I'll be alone too. I have know where to go, and I'm freaking the fuck out."

      "Rose, this is your decision to make. We all miss you too, but you won't be alone if you come home. You have us. You will always have us."