Condemned

Chapter 5: Justin

I hate having memories. Memories just seem like a weight ya know what I mean? No? Ok let me explain myself then. There are happy memories then there are sad memories. Looking back at my childhood it wasn’t necessarily that bad of a childhood but there’s certain memories that I just wish I didn’t retain. Their such painful memories of my past and who I was then. I mean I’m completely different now but my past still haunts me and it’s very painful. I hate pain more specifically emotional pain, actually scratch that I just don’t like pain period. I’m a very sensitive I’m aware that I get my feelings hurt very easily and I get offended very easily. Damien gets annoyed because I always get upset with him about his “jokes” if you can even call them that but I digress. Back to the main topic emotional pain. I hate memories because I can never forget them and when my grandfather died that’s when all my happy memories faded away. I’ve only retained painful memories ever since he passed I kind of purposefully did this to myself in a way to repent for not truly honoring my grandfather’s final words to me “Justin I want you to be a good boy don’t cause too much trouble for you parents” those were his last words and he said them to me just before he died. After about two years in fifth grade I almost committed suicide that was because I thought my parents didn’t love me and would rather want me dead at that moment I remembered what my grandfather said and I felt an heavy guilt so heavy that I felt like I was being crushed. I wasn’t honoring his wishes and I felt like a scumbag for being that disrespectful to him. The reason why I went to the extreme and tried to kill myself was because I had such a close relationship with him and I felt so guilty that I couldn’t handle it I wanted a way out so I tried to kill myself but my parents stopped me. Ever since that day in fifth grade I’ve been deeply depressed and I still couldn’t forgive myself for what I’ve done and to make things worse from sixth-eighth grade I was still misbehaving I was just making the weight of guilt heavier on myself. There was one person who saved me from ever having suicidal thoughts and I was always avoiding her she was quite a beauty. I was never truly happy because of those painful memories that never faded. Looking at her and even being a friend of hers filled me with so much joy I was in love with her but after she denied me I backed off but I never stopped being in love with her. In my first year of high school I was friends with just about everyone. I acted like I wasn’t depressed on the outside but I it hurt me to act happy when I wasn’t. I thought I had enough good memories to finally melt away my guilt but the guilt was too strong and on top of that my uncle had died in the summer of eighth grade I was very close to him too and I was crushed because the last time I saw him before that was many years before. In high school I was constantly fighting an internal battle that I was losing. I really struggled but between the end of tenth grade and the start of eleventh grade I almost lost my battle against my depression. Just when I thought the girl I loved was within my grasp she was taken from me in the quickest and most unexpected way you could imagine. Jasper started going out with her. I have never felt that type of emotional pain in my life and I became extremely delusional. “This is all a joke they’ll break it to me… eventually” that’s what I wanted to believe but I just couldn’t. So just like that someone that made me feel genuinely happy now made me feel like I was being tortured. I couldn’t handle it I was losing my mind I felt alone and I was actually gonna kill myself because I hated being in that much emotional pain. I HATE pain and I felt like I was physically feeling this pain my heart literally hurt from that and this was yet another sad memory for me. Although I had a so many happy memories every sad memory I have had was always a heavy hitter. That’s why I hate memories, well I guess now I can say I used to hate memories. Dante was depressed as well and he helped snap me out of it I felt like I was alone but he was depressed too so we kind of helped each other out. Jasper even helped me and understood how I felt although my feelings never changed I’ve bonded with both Jasper and Dante they really made me feel better. The greatest support I had was from Jax he always supported me and I can’t thank him enough for staying with me through all of my depression. Damien helped me finally get over my guilt of disrespecting my grandfather’s final wishes I never told him that he actually helped me the most but I’ll tell him one day. These guys plus Andrew who made our days just a tad bit more eventful really helped me out and words could never express my gratitude for having such amazing friends like them. I used to think I was forever unlucky and now I feel like I’m the luckiest person in the whole goddamn universe. Now because of these wonderful friends of mine my depression is seemingly non-existent and now I have so many happy memories and I am finally able to be truly happy. So yeah I don’t hate memories anymore because all the sad ones are a thing of the past you can only move on from the sad things in life. Keep pushing forward there’s always gonna be a reason to stay alive always a light at the end of a tunnel that’s what I’ve said to myself so I can leave my sad past behind me and keep going.