The End ~ Phan

Starting Over

[Only fools fall for you, only fools] ~ FOOLS by Troye Sivan

Phil looked like he was about to cry. Dan didn't know why. It's not like he cared about Dan. Dan didn't even know why Phil saved him. The last time they spoke, Phil was telling Dan he hated him and that he was a freak. And now he had the nerve to sit here and look like he cared. Dan almost scoffed. It was all just an act. He didn't really care about Dan. But why did he save him?

"Why?" Dan asked out loud and Phil's head whipped up, meeting eyes with Dan. His blue eyes filled with confusion and Dan asked again "Why did you save me?" Phil's eyes widened and he stuttered a little bit before saying "I care about you Dan. What I said, wasn't me. I don't even know why I said it. When I went to your house to apologize, your mum opened the door and she was in tears, frantically saying over and over "Get to the bridge, please." So, I drove as fast as I could to the bridge. And I barely got there in time. But why Dan?" Dan didn't say anything, only looked down at his hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. Phil cared?

"Did you read the letter?" Dan asked and he looked up, meeting Phil's eyes. Phil nodded and Dan said "Well, then you know why I did it." Then Dan lost it. He started sobbing, letting out every emotion that had stayed bottled up. And Phil did something Dan never thought he would do. He leaned over and kissed Dan.

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Dear Phil,

It's taken me 10 times to write this. I don't know why this is so hard. I should just be able to write I hate you, and be done with it. But love is a strange thing. It attacks you in the weirdest ways, and makes you feel things for people, even when you don't want to. It makes you fall hard for the person you can't have, and messes with your head. It is constantly on your mind, making you think about that person night and day. And then, it doesn't leave, even when the person you love turns into the person you hate.

It makes you want to forgive them, even when your brain is screaming at you to not forgive them. And love also makes you realize things. It makes you realize that relationships are a two way street, and love only works if both people have it. But when one person starts to pull away, the love there isn't the same.

Sure, it still takes over your thoughts. But now, with "what ifs?" and "why?" It pesters you, makes you rethink everything in your life. And suddenly, love isn't such a wonderful feeling anymore. It's a feeling filled with regret and mistakes. It's a feeling that makes you stay up till 2 a.m. and cry. But it won't leave.

It's like an annoying cousin, that is out of money and just keeps rooming with you. You can't get rid of it, no matter how hard you try. Even if your life would be easier without it, it won't go away. It stays there, in the front of your mind, constantly messing everything up. It throws reason out the window, and you make mistakes because of it. And then you slowly start to realize, that love itself, is the mistake.

I love you, Phil Lester. As much as I wish I didn't. I wish I could hate you, I wish I could throw things and scream at you. But I can't. Because of a little thing called love. A little thing that soon turned into a huge thing.

I don't know why you said those things. I don't know why you left. All I know is that since you left, you've taken the sun with you. Because you are the sun. You are the sun in my life, and now that you're gone, nothing is as bright and happy. And it's getting harder to smile.

It's not your fault. I want to tell you that. Because, it really isn't. I just don't belong here. I mess up everything. And for that, I'm sorry. But, I hope that now I'm gone, you can live a life of peace and happiness. A life without Dan Howell, the mistake. The loser who fell in love with you. The idiot who made mistakes, and still loved you after everything you did.

But I can't go on Phil. As much as I love you, the worst thing about love is realizing that the person you love doesn't love you back. It's hard, when they won't even look you in the eye because they are disgusted by you. And I don't know why you said all of those things, but I forgive you. Because I know that deep down, you regret what you said. I see it everyday. The guilt in your face. So before I go, I forgive you.

I love you Phil. I know this is just a piece of paper and this won't help when I'm gone, but I love you. I will always love you, even when I'm gone. Even though you don't feel the same. And I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this. After you left, the depression got worse. After the fight, I started cutting again. And no one cared enough to stop me. I've decided to make everyone's lives easier and just leave. I make the world darker wherever I go, while you bring happiness to everyone you meet. Spread that happiness, and don't let the darkness win. Or you will end up just like me.

I love you, and I forgive you,

Dan

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