This Love, This Hate.

I caught myself

"DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Losing patience for the lack of brain cells in my brothers mind, I scream and slam the door, close to breaking. Damn him and his talent for setting me off this way. He was honestly this close to making me want to punch a wall and just go ballistic. He had been taunting me earlier and provoking me into my opinion about sexuality in front of our fucking parents. The die hard Catholics that refuse to listen to a single thing anyone says if it's against the bible. The ones who would murder me in my sleep if I ever let them know.. Technically I'm not homosexual, I'm asexual panromantic, because one, I don't look at people and think nasty thoughts about them, I rather think nice, cute things like dinner dates, walks on the beach, and cuddling, loads of cuddling. Panromantic because, hey, if you have a nice personality, and you're a nice person in general, why not? But like every other fifteen year old teen with sexual orientation problems, coming out to your parents was a nightmare that could be easily avoided as long as you kept your thoughts and opinions to yourself.

The little eighteen year old shit snickered and knocked on my door,"Why don't you just come out to them?"
I didn't want to answer him. I didn't want to look at him. Really the only reason I tolerated him was because he knew my secret. For some unknown reason, he had snatched my phone some time ago, ran to his room and locked the door, gone through my messages and returned, staring at me horrified.
"Fuck you with everything I-" I started and he cut me off,"I never knew you were gay."
"Tell anyone," I hissed, tears collecting in my eyes,"Especially mom or dad, I'll fucking kill you, Mathew I swear it."
I grabbed my phone from his hand and I ran. I pushed passed him and fled the hallway, out the front door, into the streets and I kept running that day it wasn't until I had run miles to my girlfriends house and at her doorsteps, I panted, my eyes too dry to cry and my heart to heavy to hold. I knocked on the door, her mom opened it with a worried expression on her face. She knew me moderately well since I came over often,"Jessie, sweetie, is there something wrong?"
"I just- I just wanted to see..."
She pressed her lips together,"Diana isn't here, she's with her boyfriend."
Crack. Shit something inside of me Just broke. "I'm sorry she left a while ago, said she'd come home late."
Was she serious? This had to be a joke right? Had I been nothing to her? Didn't she remember we had been dating for about six months now? Did that even matter to her?
"And how- how long have they been together. She never mentioned a boyfriend." I said quietly, not able to trust my voice.
"About a month now. He's such a sweet boy, he brings her flowers and chocolates and picks her up in his car, he's a lovely young man."
Well, there went my heart. I began to sputter as this newfound information spread through my nervous system,"I'm s-sorry for not c-calling first and just randomly showing up."
"Its okay, dear." She replied hastily and glance around. I could tell she was eager to get rid of me so I smiled at her and began to walk away. I heard the wooden door behind me slowly close.
Trudging back home, I found the salty solution of water and heartache streaming down my cheeks. I was over thinking things. Maybe he was just a cover up to make her parents think she was straight. I mean... She had told me so many pretty things. We had kissed and cuddled the days away... She told me she loved me. Right? She told me she would always care. She had said... So many things.
So many lies.
My fists trembled and I remembered collapsing at my front door. I remembered my brother opening the door and carrying me to my room. I remembered he had said our mom and dad weren't home yet and he wouldn't tell.
In return, I told him what happened and his expression turned cold. "Leave her, Jess. She's not worth it. I don't want to see you hurt or broken anymore. Just leave her."
Was it wrong that even though I realized she had been cheating on me for the past month, I didn't want to leave her..?

Jessie clutched her pillow close, nowhere close to depression only anger. Even though he brother could be an arse sometimes he could also be a sweetheart. And he was doing an alright time with keeping her secret... She had left Diana eventually after she realized their relationship had withered away into a shell of something they no longer had. Diana didn't even flinch when Jessie had told her that she wasn't comfortable that she was seeing another person while actively being in a relationship with her. More or less Diana had look relieved and passively apologized and said that it would be best if they saw different people.

Jessie laid in bed staring at the blue hues of her wall, wondering how a perfectly good relationship, a really good relationship had gone wrong... Had it been her fault? Who even knows. This was stupid, fifth relationship already and it was all the same story, same situations, just different faces. Jessie Oliver would give it all into their relationships, never ceasing to text the significant other first and always making plans, purchasing the food, movie tickets, anniversary gifts and receiving a,"Oh. Cool, thanks." in return. And she had just aspired that Diana was unlike the others. Hoping the five foot, adorable hispanic girl with hair reaching to her hips and big, brown cow-like eyes had been dissimilar to her ex's. Only to be let down and to get caught who she really was inside.

Jessie groaned and pressed it's face against the pillow, now positioned into a fetal state and too feeble to cry. After all, the best things in life, come after the worst.

A/N: oh my gods guys I was walking through the hallway right and this extraordinarily feminine and sweet boy, I bumped into him and he turned and in this super soft and high pitched voice he was like,"Oh, I'm sorry."
And I was like well shit I'm always a sucker for cute things and shiiiit. I cuss a lot especially when I'm happy so um if it bothers you tell me please I'll try to stop.
Anyways how was school guys??