This Love, This Hate.

Honestly

A/N: I have nothing better to do with my life...

Lectures, notes, voices droning on, entering through my ears, vibrating in my skull, and slowly exiting, leaving no mark within me nor remembrance. Nothing catches my eyes, nothing quite captivates my attention. School is a bore and this is beginning to sound like any other typical fan fiction. My nose is buried in a textbook, yes they still exist, and I'm so infatuated with James Madison and his never ending feud with Jefferson, I don't realize the girl seated in the desk across me is whisper-yelling at me. I glance over in her direction, her face is screaming shame, but her mixed skin tone, sparkling azure eyes, curly hair that reaches her shoulder, oversized dark blue sweater with a heart imprinted on it, and a shortish leather skirt with converse, she made even humiliation appear adorable.

"Hm?" I said, like the massive, clumsy oaf I am. "Sorry to bother you, sir, but I-I don't have a pencil, and my friends don't have one to led me so couldIpleaseborrowapencil?" She says that last part so quick, I barely manage to hear her. Shit, she's biting her lip... Fuck fuck.. And she called me sir? Woah. That was new. I mentally made note of what I was wearing, did I look like a guy today? Well.. My chest is pretty flat and my features are any exactly attached to any gender. "Oh, yeah, sure." I attempt in a deep, masculine voice. I reach downward, seeking that familiar rough material and as my finger make contact, I lift up an average red backpack, then dig through it until I find what I'm searching for. A no. 2 wooden pencil, with a pointy tip and an unused eraser. I nonchalantly hand it to the girl and she gingerly takes a hold of it,"Thank you."

"Anytime," I say under my breath. She was hella cute, did I mention that? I couldn't recall her name.. Gods, I'm more than positive this girl had been in the same kindergarten classroom as I and I would probably not remember her name.  Maybe she hadn't, she looked familiar... But I'm positive I've never seen someone like her before. Once she turned away, and my breath returned it my lungs, her name immediately sprung in my mind. Oh, right.

Lilia Rosa. It hit me, this was her first year here, too. Even her god damn name was amazing, and just because I constantly compliment girls doesn't mean I'm head over heels in love with them. I just like complimenting girls... And holding hands with them, and feeling their soft, tender kisses and skin, or holding them in my- My thoughts are totally great. Asdfghjkl, is that even possible to pronounce?? Who knows, I internally shrug and return my attention to the thick book, with black words popping at me, raving for my attention. The period is soon over, thank God, and the bell rings a few times. Lilian looks to me, arm extended and ready to return the pencil, I shrug it off and tell her,"It's fine, I think you might need it more than I do." She looks slightly relieved yet a bit shocked,"But.. It's y-yours."

Newfound confidence bursts in me, I honestly have no clue where it came from but I feel my mouth moving and words slip out,"It's no biggie, but if you'd like to pay me back, feel free to hang out with me in the library during lunch." Her mouth and eyes slightly widen, as if she's surprised a loser like me would actually just invite her to lunch like that. Red floods my cheeks and I feel like I'm going to faint. But fuck, that was smooth. 

What did I just fucking do? After ten seconds of silence, she gives a quiet,"I'll see you there." Clutches her belongings and practically sprints out of the History classroom. I want to bang my head against the wall; throw myself off a cliff. Anything, anything to take away this humiliation. I checked my watch, 10:13. Great, one period away from lunch and shit, I'm going to be late to AP Biology!
I never run in front of people, I don't know why. If I'm jogging and I see another human being, I will literally stop and start walking. I'm not sure why... Another odd habit I regularly tend to do, is avoid large crowds, avoid calling, and absolutely avoid the sales clerk. Small things, I presume. Common things, I would hope.
I dash into the class, with two minutes to spare. I head to my seat, and I day dream the rest of the period away.