This Love, This Hate.

paranoia

I mean at least that's what I thought what would happen. Haah ha I probably threw you in for a loop back there. But no, that's insanely stupid, like if you know it's not safe to come out, don't do it. Wait till you're financially stable and it's okay don't ever feel pressured to come out to people if you know or even think something bad might happen.

I trudged in like normal, my family didn't even acknowledge my entrance which was both relieving because they didn't realize just how shitty of a kid I am and annoying because they don't care enough to care. My masculine side kicked in, I started to change clothes first I slipped a bra on and another to bind my best sort of and then put on an oversized shirt and hoodie just to complete the flat chest look. I glanced in my mirror, perfect zero chest, and my hair was a mess bur I didn't care much for that.

"I am tired," I announced to no one, but in my mind, I hoped someone would hear, even if it were my stupid brother. Any company would be nice at the moment.

And then he came barging in,"Hey, Jess, check this out! I got this cool Naruto app on my phone we could totally play multiplayer if you install it, too!"

Crap. My other weakness. Anime/manga related shit, especially Naruto.

I sighed,"What's it called?" And I fished my phone out of my pocket, pulling up the app store.

"Just look up Naruto game, you'll love it."

And I did. Five minutes into the game, I thought it was really boring. He sat at the edge of the bed, playing the game and looking really into it.

I spoke it,"This game is boring."

"You're boring." He replied not bothering to look up.

"Shut up, ugly." I smiled a bit, kinda happy I wasn't alone with my thoughts.

"Oh hey, Jess..."

"Yeah?"

"I did some research.. And.." My heart was slowing down in panic, what research was he doing? Why did he sound so serious?

"And I kinda looked up how you acted and are you transgender or something? Or non binary or genderfluid or queer in general?"

My heart stopped, for a second and metaphorically, his third guess hit the mark. I swallowed hard,"I don't know what y-you're talking about." I can't trust his big mouth or tendency to blackmail me.

"I can keep a secret from mom and dad, you know, plus I can try using the right pronouns and stuff? I dunno, the sites made a hug deal on pronouns so I thought that might be important to you, too. Jess, I'm your older brother, I care about you and if this is who you are I have to accept it."

Part of me was screaming he's only bring sweet to get me to admit this and once I do, he'll get it on tape, show my parents and then they'll send me to a place to "get better." But that was my paranoia speaking... I sighed, I didn't care anymore about what happened, might as well be true to myself.

"I'm genderfluid, Matt. Sometimes I feel really masculine, sometimes feminine, neither at moments, sometimes I feel like nothing hut I slightly feel manly or womanly, and other times rarely, though, I feel both. I mainly feel masculine or neither though." I did my best to explain while staring at my bright phone screen and he stared at me throughout it all, nodding slowly.

"Jess... I also read about bracelets, so I uh, I made these ahead of time in case you turned out to be genderfluid since that was the best that described you so, I mean, blue is boy of course sorry if that sounds stereotypical but its royal blue which I think is your favorite and then gray is neutral, purple is both, and then red is feminine." He handed me four bracelets made of string. "Mom helped, she doesn't know the meaning behind them though." He admitted sheepishly.

"Why are you doing this?" I was in shock, I never thought he of all people would accept mr this way.

"Because I love you, little bro." He was avoiding my eyes,"And because... I'm sort of queer, too. I never said anything but.. Ah, I'm interested in men only."

I blinked. My brother was the kind of guy who played soccer every weekend, three matches Sunday and Saturday, he went to the gym and stayed there for hours just building his figure. But then again... He always hung around this friend he had known since childhood, his name was Shoyo and he was the cutest boy ever with a smile that revealed his deep dimples, curly hair, and bright eyes. I saw him from time to time when he came over and then I realized, my brother had never brought a girl over. Holy shit. He was gay and I never suspected a thing.

"Do mom and d-dad-?" I stuttered, not continuing my question.

"No. But Shoyo does and we're actually dating." He smiled with pride, I felt a grin spreading through my face, a genuine one,"Shut up, you guys are together!?"

"It's almost been a year now.." His smile only grew,"He actually confessed to me and I realized how much I actually really liked him so we started going out and I love him, Jess, I can't imagine life without him... So.. Yeah."

"It's been too long, how come he doesn't come over as much?" I openly complained, feeling too happy at this bond that was forming between my brother and I.

"He's usually really busy, he wants to become a history teacher right so he's been studying really hard and doesn't have much time to go out." Matthew explained and I nodded,"Tell him I said good luck."

"I will. And he was the only to recommend me to try to understand you since I kind of don't get all this... And I'm sorry.' My brother looked into my eyes,"I'm sorry for being such an asshole before. I hope we can make up and be cool, you know?"

"Yeah." I breathed out and felt like crying,"I'm not hugging you though, you're gross." I laughed and laughed, tucking my head into my knees which were pulled to my chest.

"You're even grosser." He stuck his tongue out and laughed with me until he realized I started to cry.

"H-Hey, Jess, don't cry!" He looked worried and I wiped a tear away, still smiling.

"I'm sorry I'm just really happy." I cried and cried, unable to stop.

I never imagined this. I never hoped for acceptance from my family. Especially Matthew but... It happened. It actually happened.