This Love, This Hate.

Everything is gray

"One of your teachers have recently come to me with concern. Is there something wrong, Jessie?" The school counselor asked, her green eyes watching me wearily, filled with probably genuine interest in my well being. I remained calm under her examination, I wanted to come clean and admit all my troubles and get help, I really did. But I was too deep in with them to let it go.

"Ah, nothing's wrong I just got really defensive about a certain topic." I chose my words carefully and threw her my best smile, the one where I act really casual and close my eyes and rub the back of my neck to emphasize how laid back I am.

"Can I know what the issue what?" She slightly leaned forward, curls of red falling over her shoulder. For an older lady, she was hella pretty. I nodded,"Yeah, some students were making gender and sexuality jokes and I got defensive. Thats it really, just overreacted in the heat of the moment."

She pursed her lips then answered slowly,"And what's your viewpoint on gender and sexuality?"

I wasn't sure who this counselor was or what she could do, perhaps contact my parents and then they would take matters into their own hands and that would actually really suck because I like having my phone and attending this school and if problems were to arise, those would be two of my favorite things taken away from me. I should have shrugged and said something broad like,"People have the liberty to live as they please."

But instead, three days after my little outburst in biology, I was still feeling gutsy.

I didn't care at this point, this is who I am. Why should I have to conceal my opinion? Why should I sugarcoat it or deny things just to comprise with others opinions?

"I feel very strongly on those two topics, I support the lgbtqa community and am apart of it myself, I'm sorry, with all the new 'humor' on assuming gender and the narrow mindedness, I lost my cool that one time, but I promise it won't happen again." I slightly bowed my head and awaited her verdict.

"I think its great you defended what you take pride in, just don't leave class next time, also you mentioned being a part of the lgbt community? How so?" She complimented me, slipped a strict order in, and a question at once, her usage of sentences was truly compelling.

"Ah, I am panromantic asexual and genderfluid." I said in a small voice, still continuing to look down.

"I'm sorry what does that all mean?"

I winced and smiled again, simplifying what I felt,"Panromantic means I accept any person regardless of their gender or sex as my significant other, asexual meaning I don't really have a sexual attraction, genderfluid meaning my gender varies based on how I feel."

And to some people it sounded stupid, it sounded like words from a stupid fairytale and things that didn't exist, but to me it felt more than real. It genuinely explained how I felt.

"Oh." She nodded,"I somewhat understand now. Thank you for your time, Jessie, please feel free to drop by anytime you need and is it okay if I check up on you sometime?"

I thought about it, no harm in that,"Yeah, that's okay. Thank you for talking to me." I bowed again, slightly and stood, leaving her office and softly closing the door behind me. I sighed, sixth period was nearly over and I felt my backpack growing heavier, I needed it.. I needed the.. The only thing making me feel something..

I needed to smoke and I needed it now.

And as my feet pulled me outside, I passed the library, and my eyes trailed in just out of curiosity of who was there.

Lilia. She looked beyond beautiful today, her hair pulled into a messy bun, she was wearing big glasses with somewhat of a thick black frame, her outfit consisted of a thin dark blue and white striped shirt that clung to her figure quite nicely and light blue jeans.

She looked up and I continued to walk, didn't want to disturb when she looked like she had work to do. However, shortly after passing by, I heard a door open and footsteps bounding after me. I glanced back and she waved, smiling wide,"Hey, Jessie! You're not skipping class are you?" She teased and as much as I wanted to stay and chat, my addiction was dragging me off.

"Ah, you know me." I chuckled and thought of something else to say but my impatience was growing by the second. I turned anyways and hoped she would go back to the library soon.

"So why are you out here and not in class?" Her eyes were so wide and innocent. "I was with the counselor," I mumbled and looked away from her. I didn't want her to know I was this problematic kid.

"Oh." I could tell she wanted to say more but she bit her lip.

"Yeah.. And uh.. Hey. Let's hang out today, afterschool. Just you and me?" I talked before thinking again, cripes.

"Huh?" A soft blush filled her cheeks and my heart raced, what was I thinking?

I leaned down, closer to her face and my hand cupped her chin,"Would you like to hang out at Deaver?" Hopefully she knew I was talking about the park.

"Y-Yeah, sure." She stammered and I pulled away, chuckling. "Alright, see ya later." I turned and walked off again.

I glanced back to see her, flushed and flustered. I smiled for a second then picked up the pace. For a while, Lilia managed to distract me from this urge and sets at ease, but as soon as I turned around, the drug held me in its possession again.

I went outside, wondering why I did this anymore.

I went outside, thinking of her shy responses and smile.

I went outside, thinking how I could finally stop this habit.

And with each puff, I realized I couldn't..