Unsent Letters of the Heart

32 - For the Love that I Don't Understand

Dear Gus,

How are you? Its been a while since we last had a conversation. I can still clearly remember everything we talked about. Most of it are silly things but heck, 'twas a night full of laughter. Another thing is still fresh and new to me, like it happened just yesterday, is when I received one of the best gifts ever. You took me to the place I've been wanting to see and not only that, you made it even more special just by your mere presence at my side. It was a surprise actually and you made me really happy. So happy that I think I've lost my tiny bit of composure left within me. What surprised me the most is when you held my hand as we walked our way back to that parking lot. It really felt good that I would honestly admit to almost forget every little pain this life has caused me, with the magic of your hand locked into mine. You knew very well that I love you. But I guess our story would be the typical "we're just friends" and I am totally cool with that. And you said, "I am not closing my doors, but yeah, I am cool with it".

So yeah, cool wasn't it? Or so I thought...

But I wonder why things have changed. Phone calls have stopped, text messages are now gone, even likes on Facebook are gone. We almost lost our communication. The tiny thread that keeps me from hanging on is that we are still "friends" on Facebook, hoping that one day, we can still talk about something even more hilarious, or to receive at least a good morning message like we used to. But no, I was wrong. I took the courage to ask if we are okay and you said there is definitely nothing to worry about. I don't know what went wrong, Gus. We were both happy and never did I expect something from you, just friendship.

Does telling you how I feel made you feel awkward and uncomfortable around me? Does telling you who I really am made you running towards the door? Does telling you how I feel made you think that it is better to walk away without anything to say? Does telling you how I feel made you cringe but you just don't have the heart to tell me it is never going to happen? I never expected anything more than your friendship Gus, never. I am sorry, I really just don't understand.

You know what you made me feel? Alone and in pain. I know the first step is to let go of whatever it is that we have and to try to forget you. But how can I do that? How can I forget someone who gave me so much to remember? Please help me. I never thought that your smile would put me into such pain. I never thought that that our once "silly talks" would be just a memory from now on. I never thought that that your company would mean leaving me later on. And I never thought that that was the last time that you are going to lock your fingers with mine, and that it really means good bye.

Still, I owe you a lot. You once made me happy and that is more than enough for me. For most people kept looking and bargaining for happiness and you whole-heartedly gave it to me, unconditionally, even for just a period of time. It is totally unforgettable, painfully unforgettable.

I will miss you, Gus. I am sorry if I can't promise you right away that I will forget you, I am sorry that I still miss you, I am sorry that I am still wanting to be at your side, I am sorry for still showing that I care, I am sorry that I told you what I feel and I am sorry that I love you. But I promise, I promise to help myself forget about everything.

You take care okay?

Grace