ranty rant rant rant

oops i did it again (love)

I've always believed in the idea of love.

True love, platonic love, any kind of love.

I heard somewhere once that if you look into someone's eyes for however long you begin to fall in love with that person. And as an actress, I've done a lot of looking into people's eyes. I feel like beginning to fall in love with people is a common occurrence with me: my friends mock me for it, "hopeless romantic" should basically be my job description.

But, for my final musical theatre exam, I have to be on a date, looking into this guy's eyes. And, needless to say, in rehearsals: I have looked into this guy's eyes. I can describe their colour, it feels like it's engrained in my brain.

They're blue, for starters. A light blue that reminds me of a morning sky and the type of blue you'd dress a small child in. The type of blue that reminds me of sharp frost: waking up on a cold morning and look out to see a blanket of ice, lightly covering the quiet world outside. But at the same time, the blue is that of smooth ice, like ice-cubes in a summer cocktail, being enjoyed by a mother whilst she watches her children play in the paddling pool during the summer holidays. The same kind of light blue that reminds me of a knitted scarf hiding in my room somewhere, that gets pulled out when the mornings begin to become crisper. Blue that reminds me of all of the seasons at once: Winter, Spring, Summer and Autumn. Blue that is the chill of Winter, the sky of Spring, the water of Summer and the knitted scarf of Autumn.

And, in true Zoe fashion, I've had a dream about this guy. In fact, within my dream, I had two other dreams about this guy. In my actual dream, we were chatting on a sofa, and he casually threw his arm around me and I shuffled closer to him and wrapped my arms around his middle. In response, he hugged me back and we cuddled for what felt like hours. By the end of the dream, it was my birthday (which was almost a week ago) and we were together. He kissed me in my dream, and I loved it.

I can't tell whether this is all because I'm a hormonal teenager and I have to stare into this funny, attractive guy's captivating eyes or whether I'm actually gaining feelings for him. I have a friend, a best friend (actually,) who would argue on the side of hormones. She would say: "You always do this, you always fall in love with people for five minutes before you're onto the next one."

Or I have another best friend who would tell me: "is this happening again? How long have these ever lasted?" In the time that I've known her, I have - in all fairness - had a couple dozen crushes.

I like to joke and say: "I am single by choice, just not mine." (To quote the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 😉) I think, though, that I am a hopeless romantic who longs for companionship that isn't platonic, but that doesn't qualify me as desperate, does it? I would never choose to enter a relationship with someone if I didn't even consider them in a romantic light, it wouldn't be fair to them. I think other people feel the same way about relationships.

Or, people just don't consider me when thinking about love. To be fair to them, I can be an extremely weird or awkward person to be around. I tend to make jokes to try and diffuse non-existent tension. Then we get on to the less attractive qualities of me: I enjoy looking at my reflection, I forget to wear make-up on days when I want to, I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on and I can be a grade A bitch.

But I do have some redeeming qualities: I'm quite kind, I care about other people's feelings (sometimes more than my own) and I can rock red lipstick.

However, there's more to love than qualities in both people. There needs to be a connection. And, I don't think I've ever been in love, at least not properly anyway. I may have tricked myself into thinking that I was, but thinking logically I highly doubt that I have.

I want to love, though. Despite never experiencing romantic love truly, I have a passion inside of me, the want to love. I think that love is one of the most precious things in the world, and people don't appreciate that enough sometimes. I don't just want to love though, I want to live.

"I think I shall want to live." - George Emerson, A Room With A View (E.M. Forster)