ranty rant rant rant

drifting away

It's funny how people can mean so much to you and in a few short months it can all change. I don't want to go back to the way things were, but at the same time I wish you weren't such a dickhead.

There were times I thought you might have liked me back, I'll be honest. Like when I came to see that Christmas concert you were in and stupidly thought card payment would be accepted when the concert was being run by a parish, with the nearest cash machine being a 10 minute walk away. We laughed at how silly I was and you offered to pay for me. I told you not to be ridiculous and got my dad to bring some money when I got picked up. You were great in that concert, you know. My heart swelled with pride as I watched you sing, I knew I made the right choice to still go on my own.

Then it felt like you decided I was pathetic, and not worth your time. What once was a mutually respecting friendship turned into a girl who was mad for a guy who didn't care. Because you didn't, did you? I was just some side entertainment, a friend when you needed but mostly dirt that you stepped in whilst trying to make your way out of a swamp.

I'm not upset anymore. I promise you. I don't care what you do, who you see. There was a time when I thought we'd be friends for ever, perhaps, one day more than that. You're just part of my history now, you're someone that I used to know. Because I don't know you anymore, do I? You've changed, I've changed.

You know, sometimes I think about what might have happened if I talked to you about how I felt about you, how much I admired you but then I realised, you wouldn't feel the same. You wouldn't.

In a few months time, I'll be fine. A few years down the line, I probably won't even remember this feeling of worthlessness that I'm feeling for some reason. I have worth, I don't need you to prove that to me. It hurts, being completely 100% honest, to have someone you once cared about so much disappear from your life, basically instantaneously. Maybe you won't be gone forever, but I know it will be a long time before I ever let you back in.