ranty rant rant rant

a random collection of feelings

You know, I should have known. I should have known the minute I acknowledged it that something would make me sad. Yet, here I am. Being sad, like I promised myself I wouldn't be.

It happened again. The guy I had a crush on had a girlfriend. Different guy, same scenario. Why is this always the case with me? Every single time. I need to stop. (I wish I could just stop and go on a cruise, because I love a good meme.) I feel so stupid for getting emotionally attached to him, especially because he's the type of guy to comfort you with a laugh and a banter filled insult.

Do you know what makes me feel even stupider? I thought I stood a chance this time. I thought that this time, maybe, just maybe, there might be something there and something might come out of this weird bundle of emotions I had for this guy. But, naturally, the world, God and Jesus said no.

I know, I know, people are always like "when you stop looking, you'll meet the one!" But what they don't tell you, is that when you stop looking and meet someone you think might be the one, that they already have a girlfriend or are in the process of getting a girlfriend.

What makes this time different from last time, is I told my friends I liked him this time. My friend bloody knew. And he didn't tell me what was going on. Maybe he thought that I knew.

Why is it I always end up catching feelings for people I'm acting with? It is not useful. What makes this ten times worse is that we are playing husband and wife. Husband and wife. I could deal with douchebag boyfriend, but husband and wife? Loving and doting husband and wife? It's hard.

I don't think he knows how I feel, or knew how I felt. But I don't think he knows how difficult it is to have to play his wife, who gets dragged away from him as he dies. The emotion in that scene is raw. I pour my everything into that scene. I imagine how it feels to lose someone who is the light of your life and I just scream. I scream and I bawl and I cry his character's name and I let out all of these feelings that have been clogging up everything else.

Then, there's the moving. I am moving house. I am moving to the same area as him. But he doesn't really care, he's got his girlfriend. He doesn't need me, he didn't even want me in that way. Who would? A sad, hormonal and unfunny girl who just mopes after what she wants without doing anything to get it.

I wish I had more courage. When I act, I do. Part of me wishes I told him, part of me wants the ground to just swallow me whole. Why put yourself out there only to be rejected and have your heart broken? I don't know whether my heart would actually be broken, I'm just a teenager with hormones.

You know, sometimes I wonder and think to myself is I wonder if all I want is someone to love me. I am very aware of how much my friends like me, they tend to remind me when I get like this, I don't wanna sound like an ass who is like "my friends love me" but they care about me, I hope. Friendship is grand, but my hopelessly romantic heart yearns for more. I know it's selfish, and I know that it's really sad, but all I want is for someone to be with me and just love me. Don't we all want to be loved? Isn't that what we all want?

It just seems impossible. Why bother? It won't work out the way I dream it will. But I have hope. Maybe one day, there will be a guy who I like that likes me for me, and tells me, and we have a beautiful relationship. But goodness knows that anything like that is miles away from where I am now.

I know I talk about being sad all the time, I promise you I'm quite a happy person most of the time. All I have to cling onto when I get down to that low place is one day. One day.

"If he doesn't like you, this is all a moo point... it's like a cow's opinion, it just doesn't matter. It's moo." - Joey Tribbiani, Friends