ranty rant rant rant

wrong

Have you ever felt like something in your life is just wrong? Like something is just not quite right and you can't put your finger on it, no matter how hard you try?

This is a problem I appear to be having, and it's making my life feel so difficult. Don't get me wrong: I have an amazing life. I have friends who care about me, an amazing job (even if it is just for the next month) and I'm potentially moving in with my bestest friend in the world and two more friends. I shouldn't be feeling like crap, but here I am.

Let's try and figure out what the FUCK IS UP, KYLE.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say everything started feeling like it was going tits-up probably on Sunday. When I met the guy that I have fancied, for probably about a year now, for rehearsal. When he told me that his girlfriend had broken up with him a couple of days beforehand. All I could think was how could someone break up with such a caring, funny and wonderful human being? I looked at him, after he told me this. The area of skin around his eyes were blotchy and red, his actual eyes bleary. I should have figured out something was up when I saw him from several metres away. Instead of wearing his classic shirt and tweed jacket combo, he was in a hoodie. He never wears hoodies (unless we're at the beach and it's windy.) So I'm stood there, next to him, I hand him a wooden toy sword (they were for rehearsal, I wasn't just carrying them around for banter,) and we amble across campus to the rehearsal space. All the while I just think: how on Earth could someone break up with this spectacular human being? A bit of background info: he's the kind of friend who, if you told them something really rather heart-felt and sad, would respond 'oh, fuck off!' and laugh. Before the other day, I had only seen him cry or post-cry once which was on the day we finished sixth form and he realised we, as a collective, would never be working together again. I know that, deep down, he is a big ol' softie and I want nothing more than to hug him and tell him everything will be okay. I don't think that's what he really wants from me. I also think he doesn't want me at all, but that's kind of irrelevant to what I'm getting at.

Then we have the irrational part of me, the part that I pay more attention to than I should. This part of me tells me that my best friend is going to eventually need to choose between me and one of her new best friends and that, because I am regularly a massive dickhead who says things I don't mean, she will choose them over me. This part of me also likes to whisper that this new friend, no matter what they say to me, really doesn't like me at all. Whenever we spend time together as a group of three, I always feel like the way they will joke with my best friend is different to the way they joke with me. Their jokes aimed at me always feel like there is a little bit of venom behind them. I don't know whether I'm interpreting their body language wrong but I get the feeling that they would much rather I disappeared off the face of the planet.

I am writing this as a form of escapism, I just want to get these thoughts out of my head: I'm done with feeling like a piece of rubbish that someone has been kicking as they have walked home for a mile, and then left to decompose at the side of the road. All I want is to know where I stand with people: guesswork is, evidently, messing with my brain and I would much rather someone be honest with me than pretend they like me when they don't because honestly? I really don't feel like I have any permanence at the moment and all I really want is something that's stable, but for some reason I feel like that isn't going to happen for a while. I feel like I am going to have to put up with all of the instability that comes with my life, and that I really have nothing to complain about because I'm out there doing things that I never knew I could but I am also having a really crap time.