ranty rant rant rant

past me

This morning I was talking to a friend about somebody that we used to know. Naturally, if we were going to talk about anyone, we were obviously going to talk about the guy I had a hopeless crush on who KNEW ABOUT IT (thanks for letting me know, friends) and it was probably the most cringeworthy moment of my day. But it got me thinking, what was past me like to someone else? Allow me to tell you what I think I looked like in Year Eleven (last year)...

I think that I looked younger - you might be thinking "oh, well done Zoe of course you did," but I think I didn't have the same experience that I have now, even over a year. I certainly haven't fancied half as many people as I used to, I've almost managed to survive my first year of college and I haven't turned to alcohol or drugs to get my problems away from me. I also think I've matured a bit. It's a running joke amongst my friends that I develop a crush on any male that breathes. But I think that in the whole eight months of college I haven't had nearly as many crushes as I had in one year of my school life.

I think I looked sillier. I've always been quite open about my emotions and how I'm dealing with things or how I feel towards certain people. Going back to the whole crush thing again - having crushes was a big part of Year Eleven Zoe's routine - I was very obvious about who I fancied despite trying to be as discreet as possible. Discreetness was not (and still probably isn't) my forte. But, I think I've improved the discreet game. I'm pretty in your face - that's a fact we know about me - but I have my discreet moments.

I was definitely dumber. Perhaps, more optimistic is a more accurate way of putting it, but I was definitely dumber. I liked to believe that eventually everything in my life was going to work out my way. It didn't. I thought at the beginning of Year Eleven that it was going to be my year, last year of school, last year of what I had come to get used to for four years: and the fifth one was going to be the best. It wasn't. I spent the majority of the year feeling awkward and experiencing what felt like being pulled between two separate friendship groups, with each side telling me something different about the other. I didn't know who to believe; I was just a kid! I'm still just a kid, but now I know who I can trust.

Year Eleven, it's safe to say, was one of the worst years of my life as a teenager. It felt like I had no friends, I'd been pushed to the side of my social circle. On top of that, I had my teachers telling me I was capable of getting A-stars in their subject (only one of them was right, merci Madame Lefebvre-Smith) and that their subject would be the best for me to take at college and that I needed to decide what I wanted to do with my life. Do you know what? I still haven't decided! And all the trips I took to the school counsellor were just adding more stress because I felt like I was weird, none of my "friends" went to the counsellor, it felt like I was the one who was causing my school life to come crashing down around me in Year Eleven. And I hated it.

But, I survived.

And I've learnt from my mistakes. I regret quite a lot - okay, pretty much all - of Year Eleven, but without that I wouldn't be me now. I would probably still "fall in love" every week with someone different. But I don't. I would probably still think that my teachers control my life. I don't think that and they don't control my life. I control my life.

And I've decided that Year Eleven Zoe is not the Zoe I am going to remain forever. I am Year Twelve Zoe and Year Twelve Zoe accepts that there are going to be times in the future that are going to be tough. There were times in the past that were tough, but I made it through. And I will make it through the tough times ahead. No doubt about it.

"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will." - Jane Eyre, Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brontë)