Mind Reconstructive

What To Do?

Dare:

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As I drive home from school I contemplate the things I've seen, the things I could see, and the things I could do. Erril still struggles. Apparently she's been sick since her last panic attack, and hasn't been able to get up much. I learn all this from Selah when I tutor Andrea. 

What could have caused Erril to panic so much that she would pass out? What memories would trigger something like that? I know I shouldn't enter her subconscious again, especially when she's so on edge, but I would really like to know what's going on. I could just get to know her, wait for her to trust me, and then ask. She doesn't seem to be willing to really get close to anyone though. My feelings conflicted, I continue to debate whether I should try to figure out what has hurt and scarred Erril, but I simply do not know. I cannot decide. When one has such power, should one use it? Where is the line? When does one know where to stop?

I wish with all of my soul that there was someone to ask. I wish there was someone who understood. But no one does. I am alone with what I have. I cannot tell anyone. There is no one to guide me, to teach me. It is amazing how lonesome it is when no one understands you at all.I sigh, turning into my families driveway. Home at last. Mum's car isn't in the driveway and I wonder where she must have gone. Checking my phone, I suddenly remember it's Thursday, so she's probably with her psychiatrist. Dad is still working, and Joey has pep-band after school, which means I have the whole house to myself. That, of course, also means that I am alone with my thoughts. Lovely. 

My feet dragging, I unlock the door and trudge inside the old house. Inside is slightly cluttered, but not extremely untidy. Books lie on the shelves in a lifeless manner, used only when time can be spared, useless to those who have no interest in knowledge. A "How To Cope" book retains it's place on top of the stack, never dusty, though rather worn. Mum must be having trouble again. A frown reaches my face when I think of this. I worry about her, and Dad, and Joey. They're doing their very best to be alright, and it hurts to see them struggle. I wish I could help them.

I sit down at the piano bench and throw my backpack onto the couch, lifting some of the physical weight from my shoulders. If only I could do the same with mental weight. Just throw it off like a bag of hopelessness. Throw it far into the darkest corner where I would never have to pick it up again. If only. 

Turning back to the piano, I touch the solid black and white keys one at a time, making a plinking sound which almost reminds me of rain. Slowly, I ease my way into one of my favorite songs, "Yours Truly" by Paradise Fears. 

It's a very nostalgic song, but I like it. Perhaps because I myself am nostalgic. I miss the past. I miss the people. I miss Sam. He was always there. He was the back-up brother, but he was also the wisest. He knew what to do in every situation... he just got a little off track. The thought of him makes my hands cease to press the keys. I can't. It hurts. I miss him so badly, I don't know what to do. Having to watch him suffer, and then see my whole family suffer because of it, to try to make up for the loss, to be the big brother he always was to Joey , it's hard, it hurts. I miss him. 

The pain attempts to choke me, so I rest my head against the instrument which I sit at and wish it would go away. Sam always went to the piano, or to some instrument, when he was upset. He's the reason I started playing anyways. I shut my eyes tight. I can't cry about it anymore. I need to be strong, to stay hopeful for my family. It's probably a good thing no one's here at the moment for that reason alone.

The door slams and I quickly sit up straight and go back to playing the keys. Even when I'm not, I have to at least act strong for other people. I can't let them be worried about me, they have worries enough. 

Joey walks in and throws his books down on the floor. "What're you playing?" He asks, nonchalantly sitting down next to me on the bench. 

"I'm not entirely sure, actually. I'm just kind of playing around. How was school?" 

"Meh I hate middle school. And English. And people. But other than that, it's fine." He laughs like it's nothing, like it just doesn't matter. Joey has been coping better than the rest of us, and for that I'm thankful. I don't think I could stand to see him in such a state as he was right after Sam's funeral. But I don't focus on this.

"Why do you hate people?" I ask. Though, really, who doesn't hate people at some point?

"The kids at school are extremely shallow and overly happy, or super dramatic and sad all the time. There's no in between. Also the drama is disgusting. I wish I were home-schooled. Like that girl we met at the park that one day. You said you knew her, right?"

And I'm left to wonder how on earth he remembers Erril. Of course, she would be kind of hard to forget, what with her bright red hair and extreme fight-or-flight tendency. I mean, I didn't forget her, but that's because I want to understand her...And I still don't.

Suddenly, I remember Joey, and the fact that their was a question hooked to the end of his statement. I turn to him, "Yeah, I know her, she's staying with the Willem's. You mean the one with red hair, right? I think she had brown eyes too. That's the one you're talking about, right?"

"Yeah," He says, smiling. "You remember her pretty vividly, apparently."

"Well, I have seen her fairly often...But she's sick, so not too recently."

"What's she sick with? Is it contagious?" Joey tends to be slightly germaphobic at times, so I tell him That I don't think it's contagious, I think it's probably just exhaustion. After such a panic attack, what else could it be? I'm still worried about her though. I want to see her, to make sure she's okay. But then, it's not like I can just invite myself over to the Willems, and its not like Erril would really want to see me anyways.

She's probably also wondering who found her outside. Or she may have guessed that it was me, by now. She's extremely smart, but it doesn't show too often, with her mental instability.

I wonder if she remembers any of what I told her moments before she passed out in the snow. She seemed to be more focused on catching her breath, which is understandable. Poor girl. I wish she would just trust me and let me help her.

It's frustrating, really. To have the power to help someone, and to have them not let you help at all. My heart aches to understand her, and for her to understand that I could help her. But then, can I really? I didn't help Sam...I couldn't help my family...Maybe that's the reason I feel the need to help Erril. She's so small and helpless and always afraid. She never seems to be able to catch her breath, and I've seen that sort of thing so often I can't just stand by and watch. Not now. Not ever again.

"Why are you frowning like that?" Joey's voice brings me back to earth once again. 

"Oh, sorry... I was just thinking..."

"About what?"   He asks, grinning a little. "About the red head?" He asks with a sly expression.

"Psh, no." I lie. Quickly I turn back to the piano and resume playing.

"Do you like her?" He asks point-blank. 

I never really thought about it, honestly...

"She seems like a cool person and I'd like to get to know her, that's all." I tell him nonchalantly.

Joey eyes me skeptically. "Okayy then, whatever you say. I'm going upstairs, tell me when Mom's home, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, I will." I tell him quickly, relieved that he's dropping the current issue.  Without another word he grabs his backpack from off the couch where he previously left it, and runs up the stairs.  I smile after him, glad that he's doing alright.

That's all I could hope for him right now.

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Well, It's certainly been a while, sorry guys. I recently got off of school, and between finals and work and all that  I really didn't have the energy to right. But I am back now, so hopefully I'll manage to get a lot further on this thing. Anyways, thanks for reading, comment and vote and all that if you feel like it. Love you all

                    ~Kaelyn.