Mind Reconstructive

Wondering

It has been a week since I met Dare, and six days since I hallucinated and passed out on the sidewalk.

I have managed to keep quiet about what I have seen and felt, but my mind still burns when I think of it and my stomach turns whenever Georgia inquires as to how I am. I hate to worry her, and I'm truly trying to be alright but it's difficult, and I'm not holding up quite as well as I had hoped.

I am a train without a conductor, without control, without meaning. I race the tracks without stopping because I am unable.

I groan, pulling out my ponytail as I attempt to work out a Geometry proof. It's puzzling and I'm normally not too bad at them, but today I simply cannot focus.

Honestly, I would rather be sleeping than doing math. The weather outside is gray and drizzly, which doesn't help my lazy mood at all. I would love to curl p in my bed with some tea and sleep forever. To sleep is to forget after all.

"Erril?" Georgia calls my name from downstairs, so I obediently, slightly mechanically make my way to the main floor.

"Hey, I have to go run some errands, and the kids will be coming home soon, would you be okay if I left them with you?"

I nod. Normally the kids just eat a snack, and watch Netflix, so they're pretty easy to handle.

"Also, Andrea's tutor is coming over, is that alright?"

I can literally feel my heart sinking to my stomach after the words leave Georgia's mouth.

"Yeah, that would be fine" I tell her, trying not to appear as miserable s I suddenly feel.

"Okay, thank you so much. I will see you around five."
I give her a tight smile as she rushes out the door, obviously excited to get out of the house for a bit.

Perhaps she's more happy to get away from me.

For the past few days Georgia has been avoiding me. The reason is beyond me, but it's rather disconcerting. Do I frighten her? Disgust her? Have I lost her trust somehow?

I ponder these thoughts as I spread peanut butter over crackers for the kids. They're always 'starving' when they come home.

They have no idea what actually starving is really like, which is extremely relieving to me.

I'm happy they don't know hunger or extreme pain, and I'm happy that, at the moment at least, I do not feel those things either.

I shudder, thinking back to dark times, little food, constant sickness, and oh so much noise. It never stopped pounding in my ears. The horror was nearly too much. And then the silence. It wasn't a peaceful silence either. Silence is not like quiet. It is violent. It is the high pitched noise you hear after an explosion. It is the deathly calm of a funeral. It is the apathy of a thousand bystanders. It is lonesomeness and cold and death all wrapped into one, mixed with fear  and danger.

I look up quickly. I am safe here, and though it is calm, it is not silent, nor is it loud. It is lovely, beautiful, and peaceful. I have no reason to fear, though the panic still has a foot hold.

I cannot thank the Willem family enough for what they have given me; Security.

Just as I finish this (slightly sappy) thought, Andrea, Allison, and Selah burst through the door.

"We're home!" Andrea announces, as though I couldn't hear them in the hall.

"Hey lovelies, how was school? I ask them, giving each a light hug. It's actually a good step for me, seeing as how I usually can't stand human contact. The fact that I can hug the trio is a sign of trust.

"It was great! We learned about plants in Science, and Jeyann snorted milk through her nose! Where's Mom?" Andrea manages all in one breath.

"She went to run a few errands, is that alright?"

"Yeah, that's fine, I was just going to tell her Dare's here."

And I can feel my heart sink once again.

"She knows, it's alright." I tell her, attempting to sound upbeat and not anxious.

"Okay." She says with a shrug.

I quickly put their peanut butter crackers on the table, making sure I mae enough The kids will eat basically anything you give them, no matter the portion.

"So..."  I begin uneasily, "I thought you said Dare was here?"

"Oh he is, he's just taking off his shoes in the porch. Why?"

"I just wondered. You said he was here but then I didn't see him come in." I tell her weakly. "You two can work in the kitchen if you want and the rest of us will hill up in the living room, does that sound good?"

I'm trying not to sound too desperate to stay away from Dare. Selah seems to feel my anxiety, though how is beyond me, and as if to distract any attention being drawn to me, throws her hands up and yells

"Yes! We get the Wii!!!"

She is exceedingly perceptive for a six year old. I smile at her, but take a second to remind her tht we have to be quiet if Dare and Andrea are working. And just as I finish my sentence Dare walks in.
Awesome. I think bitterly.
However, instead if showing my slight contempt, I opt out for awkwardness.

"Uh, hi." I mumble, clearing my throat.

"Hey. Long time no see, huh?" He murmurs jokingly.

"Yeah, only a week." I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, Hey, sorry about what happened the other day. My little brother is just kind of...blunt."

He feels bad about it? It wasn't even his fault.

"Oh, that's fine. I was-um-having a bad morning. It's not your fault." I say, thinking back to the nightmare that caused me to actually get out of the house for once.

"Okay..." He says, bu he's looking at me like he doesn't believe me or something.

I'm trying so hard to stay calm. People are dangerous. Dare, because he seems to be able to read people well, is especially so. I hate the fact that I trust people so little. It's frustrating and socially crippling. I am afraid that (once again) my emotions will show in my face, so I take Selah by the hand and lead her and Allison into the living room.

"Can we play the Wii?" Allison asks sweetly.

"Only if you do your homework first." I reply.

I am calm. I am not alone. I am going to be alright.

As the two disperse to find their school assignments I thank my lucky stars that no one can see my thoughts.

A/N: Okay, badly written-mistake filled chapter, my apologies. Sorry guys, it's just that I'm writing this at like six thirty AM. I'll try to do better on the next chapter, but I don't know if I'll have time, since we might be gone for Thanksgiving. Oh, Happy Thanksgiving by the way, since I don't know if I'll update before then. Anyways, I hope you managed to make it through this extremely boring chapter. Have a good week, lovelies. I will talk to you when I update.

                                                                                ~Kaelyn.